Soundman and Raro enjoyed this one, and I've been a little lax in typing it up, a time thing.

Our local ex-pat bar (Daengs Bar) has recently expanded its range of western food including a wide range of English style curry, Lamb steaks and assorted pies. Not cheap, but the quality is excellent (I asked Daeng where he was getting it all from, he just said 'imported' and would not say any more)

Now, Monday night is market night, and the place is always packed, a few of us get there early to get a good seat (near the fridge) so half a dozen of us were already imbibing when in walks Jack with his wife Wan. Jack is 76 years old (and before anyone asks, Wan is not far off herself) he's from Yorkshire, been here for ten years, an ex-miner, doesn't speak any Thai at all, will not eat 'that foreign muck' and a genuinely lovely man.

Jack makes himself comfortable next to me and Wan fetches him his customary small Heineken, he asks her if she will ask cook to heat him up a steak pie (cook speaks no English) Wan promptly wanders off to the kitchen, is out of sight for a few minutes and then says that she is going shopping (it's the same routine every Monday, apart from the new pie event)

Wan returns about an hour later and it suddenly dawns on him that something is missing when she walks straight past us.

"Wan, Wan, wheres me bluddy pie"

"Oooh, sorry darling"

In the five second walk from table to kitchen she had completely forgotten what she was going there for and had just had a little chat with cook.

She rushes off to correct her mistake, and a few minutes later comes back with a pie on a plate and some gravy in a small pot. This did strike me as a little odd, as cook normally just pours the gravy over the pie. So Jack adds gravy to pie and digs in.

He makes a comment about it tasting a little sweet, but goes in for a second piece...... I glance over and calmly say.

"Jack, that's a apple pie"

"What, bluddy ell" as he prods it with his knife.

"Wan, Wan, come here"

"Yes Darling"

"This is a bluddy apple pie"

"I know"

"Why the ell did you bring me an apple one"

"Well, you wanted a pie, and this was the last pie they had"

"Why did you bring gravy with it"

"That why I put the gravy in small pot, you put it on the pie, I'm not stupid"

This is one of those 'oh so true' stories. Very good indeed.

Love it, T.I.T

Cute!

I understand that when Avocado 'pears' were introduced to Britian by one particular food store, they recived the following letter: "....I can't say that we like these new Avocado Pears that you are now selling, they taste funny with custard....." - ammusing even if apocryphal.

Excellent story Thaddeus, I think we all know a "Jack" of our own and, in fact, there's probably a little of Jack in all of us.

Very funny.

Still having a little chuckle over that one.

very smart for a Thai those......

That reminds me of something my husband once said.

Our place was absolutely packed, the girls who work for us had been hard at work all day. We were sitting there taking a breather and he says to me "The girls are naked". "They are not" I said in loud tone. "Yes they are," he goes on. "they are naked". I reply a little huffily "They are NOT naked!"

"Yes they are" he repeats. "They've been working all day and are really tired. They are naked".

He meant, of course, knackered

That reminds me of something my husband once said.

Our place was absolutely packed, the girls who work for us had been hard at work all day. We were sitting there taking a breather and he says to me "The girls are naked". "They are not" I said in loud tone. "Yes they are," he goes on. "they are naked". I reply a little huffily "They are NOT naked!"

"Yes they are" he repeats. "They've been working all day and are really tired. They are naked".

He meant, of course, knackered

!

I love the Thai accent. Sometimes I do a double take on words such as Forget (sounding like <deleted>-it), Beach (Sounding like B*tch), etc. (Although I have also heard other accents say these words in a way that make you have to think twice too) This last few months I have been dating a Thai man, and although his English level is high, his pronunciation needs help at times. Often he talked about how the 'Go Women' were not doing enough for this and that. I thought must be some kind of special project in Thailand. I eventually asked him, who the 'Go Women' were etc. He sort of looked at me like I was a bit slow for a bit, then explained. He had actually been saying Government.

funniest part, eek, it wasn't a mispronunciation. He'd mistaken the two words.

Oh... ! Wonder how many people he said that to, before he found out.

Ahhhhhhh... Wan, love these Thai gals, no flys on them.

Imagine not noticing, and pouring gravy on apple pie.

Sounds like a good jape to play sometime.

Jack's a good gal there.

Brilliant Thad, just brilliant

After a traumatic couple of hours with the Boy, that just cheered me up no end.

Moss

Brilliant Thad, just brilliant

After a traumatic couple of hours with the Boy, that just cheered me up no end.

Moss

Happy to give you a smile mate ...... I have another Wanism (she is a very smart cookie, most of the time) and at least one Jackism.... shall I save that for later..... what the heck, you can have it now.

Jack has a land line, jack breeds pigs and turkeys, which may look like an odd thing for an ex-miner to do, but it keeps him happy, you could never get him on the phone as he was always on the farm.

After many people telling him that they had tried to call him with no success he decides to get a mobile, which he does and gives us all his new number.

He turns up at Daengs Bar a few days later and Big Colin (for I am the small one, in height, and width for that matter) tells Jack that he has been trying to call him.

"well the phone hasn't rung"

"did you give us the right number"

Jack digs in his wallet for the piece of paper with the number on, and Big Col (without Jack noticing, re-dials him from his mobile)

"Can't find the bluddy paper, and how the 'ell do you turn that bluddy music off on the damed thing"

That why we all love him to bits.

So, he's a bit befuddled and loves pigs. Sounds like one of my heroes, Lord Emsworth. More stories please.

"Can't find the bluddy paper, and how the 'ell do you turn that bluddy music off on the damed thing"

Quite agree about mobile phones, they are counter-productive, they keep waking me up at work.

Moss

Not worth starting a new thread for this one, it's just a quickie, but this had me in tears last night (not just me)

We have another dear old chap here called Albert, he is ex Royal Navy and he never runs out of stories, but he does sometimes get his words mixed up or forgets them completely and substitutes 'whatsit' or 'thingame'

Someone told a bad joke, and then the conversation went like this:-

Big Col - "it's all done in the best possible taste"

Albert - "who used to say that?"

Thad - "Cupid Stunt, one of the Kenny Everett characters"

Albert - "that's the fella, I remember seeing him outside Broadcasting House one day, he was being chased by the ..... errr ..... the pavarotti"

Can'r blame him. I'd run from the pavarotti too. He might be hungry.

Goody story