Not Easy Living With My Wife's Family - Same For You?

[dumball]

The OP hasnt returned to this post.

Interesting.

Perhaps his wife has decided he can't use the internet anymore.

Seventy plus responses - excellent - this is obviously an issue of interest. Hopefully others can benefit from the discussion as well.

A quick reply to let you know I am back home now and online, and to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

"Read the body language" - excellent. Then I can quiz my wife about it later to obtain an explanation to my satisfaction.

Let me send this post quickly, then I want to make more replies. Many very good ideas, insight and suggestions.

Back soon.....

So their son , with a wife and new baby has nowhere to live , seems like a decent kid , he is so 'Decent ' decided to have a child when he cannot afford to suport his family because he does not earn enough , so you would dig into funds you have (sensibly) put aside for you and your wife , does this mean you will jeapordise your situation for another irrisponsible individual who could not keep his emotions under control ? Do you even remotely imagine he would do the same for you ? Come on , be smart , be a man , they are taking you for the ride of a life time , theirs .

[Lopburi99]

"Doing my own thing" is something I plan to do soon, just after my new car gets here in about 3 weeks. I've already told my wife we'll be doing a lot of driving around touring Thailand, something I have been wanting to do for a long time. We'll go for a week or two at a time, every month or so until that becomes old.

That reminds me, when I bought a car and put a GPS in that gave me the confidence to get off my ar#e and get out and about without dragging my wife with me...boy, it made a lot of difference just not feeling sort of trapped into whatever my wife was doing, the family thought it was a bit weird but liked that I was wanting to explore.

Just being able to press "home" on the GPS wherever I ended up was a huge confidence builder, I have found really nice places the family didnt know about.

I intend to do the same, khunandy. Trust me, I really need a GPS.

I realized a few years ago that the internal nav system in my brain was starting to short out when I began being unable to find my way back to the hotel lobby from my room! And it's getting worse. I understand it's an aging thing and perhaps hereditary (my Mom had the same problem, I used to have to go rescue her when she was driving around in circles!)

[Lopburi99]

...to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

Trying it "for a while" can quickly turn into trying into forever.

Regarding the 26-year-old son, where would they live if you were NOT in the picture? I don't mean to sound like a hardnose, but I suspect they'd manage to get by, especially since he also works full time. Does he provide money to help with household expenses? He's an adult, not a child. What does he study in college that assures he'll be moving into his own apartment or house shortly after he graduates?

The problem is that it's too easy to get used to (and harder to give up) having someone else as a financial cushion. That goes for other family members as well. I'm not saying their life would be easy, but they'd all still find a way to manage to get by. Once started, there can become less and less incentive for them to want to move out. Sometimes such family members can give an endless set of reasons and excuses to avoid moving out on their own right now and that it's just for a little while longer until they can "get on their feet" which never seems to happen. Sooner or later it could well end up dipping into those funds, little by little, that you have set aside.

You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings. The longer the delay, the more difficult it becomes.

The exception to all this though, is if family members are actualkly pitching in to pool resources and help pay living expenses, and help with ordinary household chores.

Your words and dumball's ring a lot of truth.

Regarding "You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings", I'll start working on this. Obviously if they would just move out, my life would be simpler and happier. Not sure my wife would feel the same. She doesn't mind their living here, and loves having the little baby around to enjoy - but I can make her understand she can still enjoy them a few kms away. You are right on about the irresponsibility of having the baby. Honestly, I was shocked to hear about the pregnancy last year and it pissed me off - I knew it would cause a lot of complications and problems.

[Lopburi99]

...to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

Trying it "for a while" can quickly turn into trying into forever.

Regarding the 26-year-old son, where would they live if you were NOT in the picture? I don't mean to sound like a hardnose, but I suspect they'd manage to get by, especially since he also works full time. Does he provide money to help with household expenses? He's an adult, not a child. What does he study in college that assures he'll be moving into his own apartment or house shortly after he graduates?

The problem is that it's too easy to get used to (and harder to give up) having someone else as a financial cushion. That goes for other family members as well. I'm not saying their life would be easy, but they'd all still find a way to manage to get by. Once started, there can become less and less incentive for them to want to move out. Sometimes such family members can give an endless set of reasons and excuses to avoid moving out on their own right now and that it's just for a little while longer until they can "get on their feet" which never seems to happen. Sooner or later it could well end up dipping into those funds, little by little, that you have set aside.

You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings. The longer the delay, the more difficult it becomes.

The exception to all this though, is if family members are actualkly pitching in to pool resources and help pay living expenses, and help with ordinary household chores.

Your words and dumball's ring a lot of truth.

Regarding "You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings", I'll start working on this. Obviously if they would just move out, my life would be simpler and happier. Not sure my wife would feel the same. She doesn't mind their living here, and loves having the little baby around to enjoy - but I can make her understand she can still enjoy them a few kms away. You are right on about the irresponsibility of having the baby. Honestly, I was shocked to hear about the pregnancy last year and it pissed me off - I knew it would cause a lot of complications and problems.

In thinking more, I can see this situation rapidly turning into a mess. I have decided to tell my wife that, yes, I agreed to try it for a while, but I now am convinced it just won't work for me. We will give them a few months to make other living arrangements. That's it, that's the plan.

Thanks to you all for the considerable time spend on our behalf. Really appreciate it!

Edited September 15, 2008 by Lopburi99

[jojothai]

why you got the knives out for the other side? The guy said he does not know what they are saying and wants advice. he is probably paranoid about them talking because of his previous experience. post edited now there is a lot more to take into account and the circumstances are difficult to judge. jojo

Edited September 15, 2008 by jojothai

[calmichael]

Best suggestion on this topic so far is to "tape it" thats exaclty what I would do facing this situation..buy yourself a little voice activated dictaphone..use it at home..in the car..out for meals with friends.if any bad mouthing relating to you is translated from it...out em...!!

Froggs

Yes . I have to second that. Tape it. Learning the language takes years. Even then, if they don't want you to understand what they are saying, they can switch to one of the many dialects that are used here. Follow your gut. I usually find that my first impression of what is happening is most often the correct one. At the very least, they sound rude. Are these the kind of folks you want to spend the rest of your life with???

[dumball]

...to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

Trying it "for a while" can quickly turn into trying into forever.

Regarding the 26-year-old son, where would they live if you were NOT in the picture? I don't mean to sound like a hardnose, but I suspect they'd manage to get by, especially since he also works full time. Does he provide money to help with household expenses? He's an adult, not a child. What does he study in college that assures he'll be moving into his own apartment or house shortly after he graduates?

The problem is that it's too easy to get used to (and harder to give up) having someone else as a financial cushion. That goes for other family members as well. I'm not saying their life would be easy, but they'd all still find a way to manage to get by. Once started, there can become less and less incentive for them to want to move out. Sometimes such family members can give an endless set of reasons and excuses to avoid moving out on their own right now and that it's just for a little while longer until they can "get on their feet" which never seems to happen. Sooner or later it could well end up dipping into those funds, little by little, that you have set aside.

You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings. The longer the delay, the more difficult it becomes.

The exception to all this though, is if family members are actualkly pitching in to pool resources and help pay living expenses, and help with ordinary household chores.

Your words and dumball's ring a lot of truth.

Regarding "You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings", I'll start working on this. Obviously if they would just move out, my life would be simpler and happier. Not sure my wife would feel the same. She doesn't mind their living here, and loves having the little baby around to enjoy - but I can make her understand she can still enjoy them a few kms away. You are right on about the irresponsibility of having the baby. Honestly, I was shocked to hear about the pregnancy last year and it pissed me off - I knew it would cause a lot of complications and problems.

In thinking more, I can see this situation rapidly turning into a mess. I have decided to tell my wife that, yes, I agreed to try it for a while, but I now am convinced it just won't work for me. We will give them a few months to make other living arrangements. That's it, that's the plan.

Thanks to you all for the considerable time spend on our behalf. Really appreciate it!

It is already a mess for you , a few more months ? YOU will be a basket case by then , do it now or for ever hold your peace , i would move out with just the clothes on my back than put up with so much mental stress , no woman is worth the pain and sufference you appear to be going through , like , NO WOMAN . As the captain of the fishing vesel said when the nets broke loose , there are thousands more where they came from , if you are not in control of YOUR life , who the hel_l is ? Your choice accept it or not .

[uptou]

I can understand where the OP is coming from.I mean just from a boredom point of veiw how many days can you just sit there & politely smile pretending you arent bored sh!tless. No matter how much family is important to thais or asians in general,at the end of the day there can be alot of subtle manipulation going on,& unless they are complete saints its never going to be easy IMO.But i'm lucky with my girlfreinds family as they are cool.

Edited September 15, 2008 by uptou

[stephaniee]

u just a disaster waiting to happen. better u just leave it all behind.

u going to kick out guy after he has baby? your wife going to lose her face! if you want just to marry a girl and not her family dont choose thai girl.

[G54]

I lived 'out in the sticks' with my then girlfriend for 9 months or so.

Interracting with the family was never a problem. I never felt they were dissing me.

The MIL would bring me fruit, massage my back and be concerned if she did not see me for a few hours.

The family always made me feel welcome too.

I would buy the beers one night and the family would buy them another night. Sitting on the 'porch' drinking beers and able to have a good laugh with the family was great fun AND I could barely speak a word of Thai.

Your post disturbs me somewhat.

Paranoia?

I am not sure.

Maybe you need to interract with the family more?

Not being able to talk the lingo should not be a problem. Lack of respect could be a major problem and I have no idea how I won over their respect unless it was by interracting with them. Even now, after a 1 year split from my ex g/f I still can go and see the family and be greeted with warmth. I was even given phone numbers to call the family when they knew I was leaving.

Maybe chilling out, relaxing and generally relating to the family is the key?

[GungaDin]

I lived 'out in the sticks' with my then girlfriend for 9 months or so.

Interracting with the family was never a problem. I never felt they were dissing me.

The MIL would bring me fruit, massage my back and be concerned if she did not see me for a few hours.

The family always made me feel welcome too.

I would buy the beers one night and the family would buy them another night. Sitting on the 'porch' drinking beers and able to have a good laugh with the family was great fun AND I could barely speak a word of Thai.

I'd say you were one lucky bastard! Why didn't you marry that girl?

[G54]

I lived 'out in the sticks' with my then girlfriend for 9 months or so.

Interracting with the family was never a problem. I never felt they were dissing me.

The MIL would bring me fruit, massage my back and be concerned if she did not see me for a few hours.

The family always made me feel welcome too.

I would buy the beers one night and the family would buy them another night. Sitting on the 'porch' drinking beers and able to have a good laugh with the family was great fun AND I could barely speak a word of Thai.

I'd say you were one lucky bastard! Why didn't you marry that girl?

She became the problem. Greater demands month on month. Never content with what we had and with what I gave.

I am still made welcome there though with the family. Shame it ended but now we remain friends. She even offered to vet my new girlfriends to see if they were money-grabbers. Ironic, considering. LOL.

[tomo22]

Quite an interesting change of heart from the foreign-bashing "Maigo6". Perusing his past posts; I have never before seen him the slightest bit sympathetic to a foreigner's plight here in the glorious "Land 'O Thais".

Will wonders never cease

To the O/P's conundrum, I say kick out the extended family, as I am sure they lived somewhere else before deciding your wife's house was a better gig for them. Sadly I find your statement; "our house" dubious. I believe in all likelihood, it is in fact, your wife's house with you being merely the financier of said house.

If he is maried it is there house 50 50 if not married and he can prove he paid for it then the house is his but not the Land

[Edonista]

The problem here is not whether the OP should or not kick the unwanted guests out (he of course should do that double quick), but how could he possibly do that. Could he call the police to evict them ? Should he chase them out himself at gunpoint ? Can a farang legally own a gun in Thailand ?

Edited September 16, 2008 by Edonista

[Soutpeel]

The problem here is not whether the OP should or not kick the unwanted guests out (he of course should do that double quick), but how could he possibly do that. Could he call the police to evict them ? Should he chase them out himself at gunpoint ? Can a farang legally own a gun in Thailand ?

Paying them off and telling them to not come the <deleted> back may work...

[Pierrot]

I had the same problem long time ago, but rule#1 I learned very fast is NEVER attack directly a family member. Nobody will forgive you and you will be the one sent to pack. The trick is to make them feel uncomfortable and leave by themself. They can't accuse your wife to side with a foreigner, she's just so unlucky to marry such a weirdo.

[stephaniee]

I lived 'out in the sticks' with my then girlfriend for 9 months or so.

Interracting with the family was never a problem. I never felt they were dissing me.

The MIL would bring me fruit, massage my back and be concerned if she did not see me for a few hours.

The family always made me feel welcome too.

I would buy the beers one night and the family would buy them another night. Sitting on the 'porch' drinking beers and able to have a good laugh with the family was great fun AND I could barely speak a word of Thai.

I'd say you were one lucky bastard! Why didn't you marry that girl?

She became the problem. Greater demands month on month. Never content with what we had and with what I gave.

I am still made welcome there though with the family. Shame it ended but now we remain friends. She even offered to vet my new girlfriends to see if they were money-grabbers. Ironic, considering. LOL.

im starting to see a pattern with these upcountry chicks................does anyone else ee the same

[G54]

But many of the families are OK from my past experience

[Pierrot]

im starting to see a pattern with these upcountry chicks................does anyone else ee the same

Upcountry ? up and down, left and right, it's everywhere the same. It's a "chick" problem and may explain why more and more people turn gay

[Travel2003]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

Im curious.

Why do they live in your house?

Did they live on the street before you came along?

[Andrew Hicks]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

So you got rid of the other girl friend?!

Where would it ever be easy living with your wife's family?

Learning the language would only make sure they don't actually talk about you in front of you.

It's all a matter of slowly building up mutual trust and that takes time. At some point you simply have to decide if they're nice people and that it's all worth the effort.

I've done it here in Thailand for a long time and I've even written a book about it!

At first I was living with them and now they're living with me!

Andrew

[tomo22]

Forget some of the recent posts Thai Visa gone crazy.

I have had worse problems to say the least here in Thailand.

I see so many people get on this up country thing because all they want is there five minutes.

You have a problem that you created yourself.

So only you can solve it.

All I can say if you love your wife and you love her you will find a way.

Please I advise you as much as I can do not post in the general topic area where you get the normal abuse of people who only care about one thing themselves.

Why these people even bother to post upsets me but that is them and not me.

For me learning Thai is just not possible take some advice from some very sincere posters and watch their reactions.

Smiles Etc in a Nut Shell body language.

If you really want to live in Thailand you have to respect The Thai people.

So many people have advised you to get involved with the Family do.

But the Big secret is support the local Buda Monk.

P.S. Some of these people who are on this thread telling you negative things do not even live here come for some fun then go back to where ever waiting for their next trip.

Integrate with them do not forget them but also do not curtail to them.

Very difficult indeed but when you break them down is not at all.

Edited September 16, 2008 by tomo22

[khunandy]

You could also start hiding chunks of blue vein cheese around the house and in their bedding

[Geroc]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

... I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool.../... so I don't have a clue about what's being said...

You don't speak thai. How do you know they had bad words about you ?

[IMA_FARANG]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

1. Why worry about what they think anyhow?

2. If they are intelligent enough to listen to what you think, maybe they will understand why you have your own opinion.

3.For #2, if you are wrong because you lack some information they have, maybe they will explain why you are wrong. Then you can learn from them. That's a good thing, so you gain.

4. If they are not intelligent enough to ask why you have your own opinion, they they are too stupid to bother about. So don't worry.

5. And lastly; do they wipe your a## when you take a s##t? If they don't, then their opinion is not worth a lot anyhow.

If you do what you think is right, and form your own opinions based on the best information you can get, why would you worry about what others think, anyhow? It's your life, not theirs.

[Lopburi99]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

... I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool.../... so I don't have a clue about what's being said...

You don't speak thai. How do you know they had bad words about you ?

My ex-wife herself told me. It didn't surprise me because her young boys (11,13) would have sad faces when she was ranting away...the boys liked me until she finally prevailed in brainwashing them. As I said earlier, she was "the Thai wife from H_ell." She told me all about it once when she wanted to be meaner than usual.

[Lopburi99]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

1. Why worry about what they think anyhow?

2. If they are intelligent enough to listen to what you think, maybe they will understand why you have your own opinion.

3.For #2, if you are wrong because you lack some information they have, maybe they will explain why you are wrong. Then you can learn from them. That's a good thing, so you gain.

4. If they are not intelligent enough to ask why you have your own opinion, they they are too stupid to bother about. So don't worry.

5. And lastly; do they wipe your a## when you take a s##t? If they don't, then their opinion is not worth a lot anyhow.

If you do what you think is right, and form your own opinions based on the best information you can get, why would you worry about what others think, anyhow? It's your life, not theirs.

Hi Ima_farang,

I don't give a rip what they think, but I love my wife and want to respect her situation as well.

They are all definitely intelligent. That is why I am taking AmeriThai's advice: "You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings." They need to leave the house, and they will, but I don't want to make a lousy situation worse. Also, my wife will understand me better when she hears the clear, unemotional, non-offensive reasons. The reasons will have to do with the actual purpose I came to Thailand from the USA in the first place: To have a happy retirement life with their mother, and having the privacy and freedom of living with her only. If they can't accept that, then their ulterior motives would be revealed (even to my wife). I think everything will be OK. Other good advice has been to keep cool. Not always easy, but a definite necessity in obtaining the desired results.

The bottom, bottom line however remains unchanged: if after things unfold I am uncomfortable with the results, I am on the next bus out of Lopburi. Even with just my shirt is OK. I don't worry about that. I can start over again (again).

Edited September 16, 2008 by Lopburi99

[G54]

^^^ Still a pain to have to do Lopburi.

I did that but I walked out on the g/f down rutted tracks dragging my suitcase behind me, as she refused to give me a lift to town. Several kilometers down a neighbour saw me. He phoned the family and I was given a lift by a tearful sister.

Must admit though, it was one of the best moves I did make and now I am happily settled (again, again (no slight intended there)) in my new situation. It was worth the walk but in slightly different circumstances.

edit

Forgot to say.....

Good luck, whatever the outcome.

Edited September 16, 2008 by G54