What does a Scouse bird use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

What do you call a 30 year old scouse girl?

Granny

What do you call a scouse girl in a white track suit?

The bride

2 scousers in a car with no music playing, who's driving?

The policeman.

What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?

Fathers Day

What do you call a scouser in a suit.

The Accused.

There was a security alert today at John Lennon airport, a suspicious vehicle was parked outside, it had a working stereo and a valid tax disc.

Liverpool, one of the few cities in the world where skips are both delivered and collected empty.

lol

Liverpool Airport

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Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would be mugged.

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:

Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A burglar.

What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bike.

What do you say to a Scouser with a job?

Big Mac please.

What's long, scouse, and goes around corners?

The Dole queue.

Why is the Anfield Stadium Grass so green?

Because every week Liverpool put millions of pounds worth of shit on it.

What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?

The bride

Q: What do you call a Scouse woman who has had 6 abortions ?

A: Crime Prevention officer

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG

1. You have an urge to steal

2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap

3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'

4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are

5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.

6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.

7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'

8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?

9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.

10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more

News Flash

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding?

One less drunk!

Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.

They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world and the churches all have lead free roofs!

Rafa Benitez has just defended his squad rotation policy, explaining that it keeps burglars guessing who'll be at home on match days.

How do you get a Scouse bird pregnant?

Spunk on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

How do you get a Scouse bird pregnant?

Spunk on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

That is sick

(but suitable for this thread)

Hi "Boater",

You missed a couple or three

Yours truly,

Kan Win