Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

Actually, the last time I heard that one it was about arrogant Americans...

[chuchok]

Australian Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her

obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My

husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her

shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the

pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can

still mow the lawn."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Australian Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her

obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My

husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her

shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the

pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can

still mow the lawn."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[udon]

Will the raggies know what a tree is ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Only if it's a ceder of Lebanon

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You win ... you win ...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

"ceder" strewth, back to skoon for me....... it should read "cedar"

chuchok Good ones, I'll pay out on those 2....

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I let it slide John. It is be nice to shed dwellers week

[Jai Dee]

chuchok  Good ones, I'll pay out on those 2....

He's got a bit of catching up to do though...

[Old Croc]

I knew you like it, if you are from down under.

I take only credit for posting it here, othrs mailed it to me, same as this one

(takes some buffering)

http://www.mla.com.au/uploads/templates/ot...vich_90_sec.wmv

It was good to see Sammy again. (for those that don't know or maybe even don't want to know Sam (the Man) Kekovich was a star Australian Rules footbal player in the late 60's eARLY 70'S - he played for footscray!!

Couldn't let this go by. Sammy played for North Melbourne not Footscray!

Here are some more Kekevich sayings:

"I've never met a push bike rider I haven't wanted to punch in the face.

They are a bunch of lycra-d poseurs who think its their duty to bore everyone with gushing descriptions of ferro-titannium frames and reconstituted quail-egg forks.

Bicycle riding is the ultimate mid life cry for help & its flaccid men in flourescent tops and shaved legs, plastered with Italian brand names like il ###### and da poonce, coasting along in the middle lanes of

highways, shouting at passing cars what more do I have to do for you to run me over?

While everyone's looking the other way I urge this government to push through legislation to outlaw the scourge of the social cyclist, and cockney house painters.

I've never made it a secret that I don't like cockneys. I don't like cockney painters and I don't like cockney painters who after a fortnight of failing to finish the living room, say in their twee-ist accent sorry guv, but theres no accounting for the weather. When you point out we're in the middle of a drought and that the living room is, in fact, indoors, they shrug their fat pasty shoulders and whine 'we can only do what we do.'

The reality of modern diplomacy is that war only comes around every decade or so, and the government should take the opportunity to streamline the draconian laws that have kept businesses ham-strung and courts overflowing. Changes to Medicare, Human Rights, Media Ownership are well overdue, and this government would be fools to themselves, and us, if they failed to push through as much legislation as quickly as possible in case the war comes to a premature end.

Good government isn't just about economics and law and order and what better time is there to be the panacea of society's ills?

Dentists, taxi drivers, real estate agents, toll collectors, academics, could all be whisked away with a couple of signatures. I know shes not Australian, but I'm sure you could get bi-partisan support that Renee Zellweger should never make another film.

You know it makes sense"

[Jai Dee]

Bicycle riding is the ultimate mid life cry for help & its flaccid men in flourescent tops and shaved legs, plastered with Italian brand names like il ###### and da poonce, coasting along in the middle lanes of highways, shouting at passing cars what more do I have to do for you to run me over?

Farking classic...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Bicycle riding is the ultimate mid life cry for help & its flaccid men in flourescent tops and shaved legs, plastered with Italian brand names like il ###### and da poonce, coasting along in the middle lanes of highways, shouting at passing cars what more do I have to do for you to run me over?

Farking classic...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Fuggin' oath

[sadman]

Also courtesy of Monty Python:

'This here's the wattle,

The emblem of our land.

You can stick in a bottle

Or hold it in your hand.'

And I loved Oz when I went over!

[Jai Dee]

The Queen visits Australia

Part 1 - Queen wins Summernats Burnout Comp in blown Holden Ute

Canberra, January: Her Royal Highness stunned judges and wowed the crowd on her way to winning the Summernats Burnout Title in a supercharged Holden Ute. In a three minute display of tyre-shredding aggression the Queen completed six donuts and four figure eight's before blowing both rear tyres. The Queen, a self-confessed Holden nut, did most of the mechanical work on the stroked and blown 308 engine that powered her to victory.

A Summernats Burnout judge described her run as being "exceptional, especially considering she was holding a stubbie in her left hand during the run. And I'm buggered to know how she got her @rse out the window during that donut."

"We are &lt;deleted&gt; stoked" commented the Queen after showing the first prize trophy to the cheering crowd.

Future plans for the ute include a green and gold paint job, and a rear restraint for her Blue Heeler 'Bluey', who fell out and was run over during the first donut.

[Jai Dee]

The Queen visits Australia

Part 2 - Queen hits 738 in backyard cricket match

Newcastle, February: A backyard cricket game turned into a beer-fuelled slog-a-thon when the Queen smashed a massive 738 runs in a marathon 19 hour innings that neighbours described as "bloody noisy".

The Queen took to the crease shortly after her 4th beer at 8am, and batted through until 3am the following morning showing form that onlookers likened to "a pissed Bradman". The backyard, littered with empty VB cans, came into it's own midway through the afternoon with the introduction of the "Hit a can, Skull a can" rule. But the extra alcohol did not dent the Queen's concentration, says Johnno: "The more she drank the straighter she played. The beer just made her better."

Johnno, who had smoked cones in the afternoon drinks break, admitted to not helping the cause by bowling 47 wides in a single over.

The match, extended into the night by backyard floodlights, finally ended in controversial circumstances when Johnno, unable to locate the ball, bowled the sack from a wine cask and took out middle stump. David Boon described the innings as "&lt;deleted&gt; tops".

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 3 - Queen's Victa won't start after 44 attempts.

Saturday, 9am: The Queen utilised most of the profanities in the Queen's English and even invented some new ones after 44 futile attempts to start her Victa.

"&lt;deleted&gt; mongrel bastard!" said the Queen, pulling the starter cord.

"&lt;deleted&gt; bloody dogturd thing!"

"Donkey-fcuked bitch-slut machine!"

"Useless piece of shitfcuk dickswallowing lawnmower!"

"&lt;deleted&gt; bloody &lt;deleted&gt;-&lt;deleted&gt;!"

The Queen kicked the Victa and stormed off in disgust. Three hours later, when she had calmed down enough to give it another go, the Victa started perfectly on the first pull.

"That'd be &lt;deleted&gt; right" she said.

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 4 - Queen's old fridge reborn as Beerfridge.

Saturday, 1pm: Following the purchase of a new Kelvinator, the Queen's old Kelvinator was relocated to the garage and renamed "The Beerfridge" in a solemn ceremony attended by two of the Queen's mates.

The ritual moving of the fridge was performed smoothly, except for Bluey the mongrel dog chewing on Johnno's shoe during a heavy lift. Once in the garage, Her Majesty turfed the vege crisper drawers into the whizbin to make more room for tinnies.

"We are pleased to open this Beerfridge" announced the Queen as she cut the ribbon. "May it keep our VBs cold, seal poorly and grow a massive iceberg in the freezer".

"It's a beautiful thing" said Johnno.

Royal sources say the Queen plans to have a case of VB in the fridge for most of the year, except during Christmas when she will shove 600 tinnies, a kilo of prawns and a ham into the b@stard.

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 5 - Queen gets pissed and puts sh1t on New Zealanders.

Bondi, Saturday, 11pm: Punters at the Bondi Hotel were stunned on Saturday night after overhearing the Queen putting shit on a group of New Zealand backpackers.

"Ya shhtupid fuskin ssheep-rooterers" commented the Queen after one of the tourists spilt her 12th schooner. "None of youse can plaay cricket for sssssshit. And youse shhtink at footy, too, don't yasss. eh? eh? eh? yess yas do... eh? Shhtupid New Fcuksing Zealandernessses. Why don't youse all sscare me with a haka dansce? hey? ..... kiwi poofs."

Following the incident, New Zealand's Prime Minister considered declaring war on Australia, but decided not to after realising that New Zealand would lose because New Zealand is crap at everything.

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 6 - Queen tells mongrel to shuuuudup.

Sunday, 8am: During a morning chat over her backyard fence to her next door neighbour, the Her Majesty was overheard telling her dog to "shuuuuuuudup ya bloody mongrel!". This news comes just days after the Queen was heard instructing her dog to "giddddown off me frock, you &lt;deleted&gt; stupid dog!"

Royal sources tell how the Queen's Blue Heeler, 'Bluey', is typically a well behaved dog, but occasionally becomes a &lt;deleted&gt; little bastard mongrel. This was confirmed later in the day, when a bored Bluey dug up the Queen's favourite azaleas and did a sh1t on the driveway.

Edited August 10, 2005 by Jai Dee

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 7 - Queen warned to cut booze, fags.

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."

This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor. The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010. After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of VB, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category. He then paused and added "I don't know how it is you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the h3ll she could possibly give up nicotine and VB - her main reasons for living. "We'd feel &lt;deleted&gt; stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke. But We suppose We should give it a go".

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 8 - Queen's Whizbin gets flogged.

Wednesday 9am: Queen Elizabeth II was said to be most upset after discovering that her whizbin had been flogged in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

The Queen, who is always the first on her street to put the bin out on bin night, said she didn't know who the &lt;deleted&gt; would want to steal her wheelie bin, as it had her name on it, and smelt like shit anyway.

Upon hearing of the incident, Prime Minister John Howard decided to personally head the investigation, allocating resources from Federal and local Police, ASIO, the Army Reserve and the Rotary Club of Warnambool to investigate the crime. Authorities currently suspect an international mafia crime syndicate, or kids, to be responsible for the theft.

Have you found the Queen's Whizbin?

Send your photos to [email protected]

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 9 - Queen banned from Melbourne Cricket Ground.

Melbourne, Friday 9pm: Her Majesty was escorted from the MCG by Victorian Police on Friday night, accompanied by crowd chants of "The Queen's going home in the back of a divvy van, Long Live the Queen".

Witnesses from Bay 13 told how the Queen "drank like a fitter" and "swore like two fitters" during Australia's demolition of the English one day side, who were totally and completely shithouse. She then ran onto the field and attempted to grab an English batsmen's cricket bat, shouting "The Royal @rse could play better than you Poms!", before being crash tackled by Security and led off the field.

Later, a Police Sergeant told how the Queen was "The drunkest human ever held in custody in Victoria. She threw up about a hundred times all over the station floor. She probably shouldn't have eaten those chicken kebabs either."

The Queen was released Saturday morning after being fined $1000 and officially cautioned about future consumption of chicken kebabs.

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia

Part 10 - Queen Farts and Laughs.

Monday, 4pm: The Queen was observed laughing loudly and fanning air away from herself after inadvertently letting a massive fart rip out.

"We are glad that's out" said Her Majesty, before laughing again and shaking her head.

"Well spoken!" said her mate Johnno, who was nearby.

"&lt;deleted&gt; me, that's rotten" Johnno added a short time later.

Royal insiders told how the Queen often farts, especially after a meal of Heinz Chilli Beans, but said she usually blamed it on the dog.

"Christ, that had staying power" said Johnno, 10 minutes after the incident.

The Queen later refuted an allegation from Johnno that something had crawled up her @rse and died.

[Jai Dee]

Queen visits Australia - The End

[udon]

A fkn RIPPER jd,

do you ever do any real work......

[Jai Dee]

A fkn RIPPER jd, :D 

do you ever do any real work......

Thanks maaaate.

It was a lunchtime special effort!

Actually I'm flat out like a lizard drinking...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You'll have to explain that one to the Seppo's and the Dodgers

[Artisi]

&lt;deleted&gt; bottler mate - keep them coming.

[udon]

You'll have to explain that one to the Seppo's and the Dodgers  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What, no lizzzzards in Amerikaar?

Or do you mean "queens"

Edited August 11, 2005 by udon

[chuchok]

[Ice Maiden]

I quite like the aussies. When I went on holiday in Bali I had quite alot of fun with the aussie males when I went clubbing. It was great.

Edited August 11, 2005 by Ice Maiden

[Totster]

I quite like the aussies. When I went on holiday in Bali I had quite alot of fun with the aussie males when I went clubbing. It was great.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They're alright to go clubbing and having fun with..... but at the end of the night I'll bet the small penis was a bit of a let down...

totster

[Ice Maiden]

I quite like the aussies. When I went on holiday in Bali I had quite alot of fun with the aussie males when I went clubbing. It was great.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They're alright to go clubbing and having fun with..... but at the end of the night I'll bet the small penis was a bit of a let down...

totster

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Lol. I didn't go that far I was having too much fun playing with them in the dance floor.