Here's something that should offend

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.



My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the
sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Norman and Barry got married in California...



They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they went back to
Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if
Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Little Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.'

Here's something that should offend

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches.

His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the

sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Surely he would have woken up with a huge card on.

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,

"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God".

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on.

" God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,

"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular. He usually orders the customer of Ours and Same Dish. The Problem is, this is the last Chicken in the House. I'm afraid I'll have to take this to Him and Dish Arrange for another Dish for You! " The Guy Gets. really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to. You. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of Yours. You Break one of its Wings, I'll Break one of your Arms! " The Man looks at the Chicken Calmly, then sticks his MIDDLE Finger in. the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn !!".

When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt,

his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry,

his knees get weak and he becomes irrational..
Why?

Because the leather smells like a new car....

New Gloves

A young man called Bruce from London wanted to buy a Christmas

present for his new girlfriend Prudence.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Bruce consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty
pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of
sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the
two items, the sister got the gloves and Bruce unknowingly got the
knickers.

Good old Bruce sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with
the following letter.


Dear Prudence,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Bruce

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing....

Him: "This is sh1t. I'm changing the channel".
Her: "leave the baby monitor alone".

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.


Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'


Obama says, 'Yes please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Keep your trust in God; your president is an idiot.

I went to my sisters house and saw her packing a suitcase. I asked, "What's going on?" She said, "I'm feeling homesick." I suggested, "But you're at your home now." She replied, "I know. I'm sick of it!"

https://www.facebook.com/theraverbible/videos/549794531844102/

What do you get when you cross a Jedi with a nun?

-A force of habit.

Did you hear about the microbiologist who traveled around the world?

-He was a man of many cultures.

What do you get when you cross an Australian with a Gorilla?

A stupid Gorilla.

What"s the difference between Australia and a pot of yoghurt?

The yoghurt has more culture.

(Apologies to Australians, but, someone has to play the butt).

There's a long queue of people at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven.

St. Peter goes to the first man in line and asks 'So, how did you get here?'

The first man answers 'I came home to my fifth storey condominium two hours early from work. I found my wife naked and sweaty on the bed and there were two used wine glasses. I just knew she was cheating on me and I was convinced that the man had to be hiding somewhere in my condo. I looked everywhere, but, couldn't find him. Then, I noticed a pair of hands on the railing of my balcony. I went out on the balcony and there was this man clinging to my railing. I tried to prize his fingers off the rail, but, that didn't work, so I got a hammer and bashed his fingers. He let go, and fell five floors, but, his fall was broken by a large bush. He got up, brushed himself down and started walking away. I was so angry that I grabbed the nearest heavy object, which happened to be my beer fridge and heaved it over the railing at him. The exertion and my anger caused me to have a heart attack and I found myself here'.

'That's some story' says St. Peter, 'You can go in now'.

He goes to the second man in the line and asks 'So, how did you get here?'

The second man answers 'I was standing on a chair, hanging out my laundry on the balcony of my sixth story condominium when I overbalanced and fell over the edge. By some miracle, I managed to grab hold of the railing on the next condo down. The next thing I know is some crazy guy comes out and tries to make me let go by prizing my fingers off the rail. When this doesn't work, this madman starts hitting my fingers with a hammer! I let go and and I thought I was going to die, but a bush broke my fall. I was just dusting myself off, when a heavy fridge landed on top of me and I found myself here'.

'That's some story' says St. Peter, 'You can go in now'.

He goes to the third man in the line and asks 'So, how did you get here?'

The third man answers 'Well, I was hiding in this fridge..............'

That is just so bad you could easily win the contest.

Soooo....THAT'S where he hid them!

On that toilet seat issue most of you men are just completely insensitive, totally unconcerned about your partner's delicate sensibilities. I, for one, NEVER leave the toilet seat up, in fact I never PUT the toilet seat up.....I just pee in the sink.