My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired

- A few hairs short of a wig.

- Three feathers short of being fluffy.

- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.

- Sharp as a bubble.

- Nice toy---no batteries.

- A few quacks short of a duck.

- A few peas shy of having a casserole.

- A few trucks short of a convoy.

- An experiment in artificial stupidity.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.

- Forgot to pay the brain bill.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

One wheel short of a unicycle

A couple of roos short in the top paddock.

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired

- A few hairs short of a wig.

- Three feathers short of being fluffy.

- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.

- Sharp as a bubble.

- Nice toy---no batteries.

- A few quacks short of a duck.

- A few peas shy of having a casserole.

- A few trucks short of a convoy.

- An experiment in artificial stupidity.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.

- Forgot to pay the brain bill.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

One wheel short of a unicycle

A couple of roos short in the top paddock.

- A sandwich short of a picnic.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

- Fell out of the stupid tree & hit every branch on the way down

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired

- A few hairs short of a wig.

- Three feathers short of being fluffy.

- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.

- Sharp as a bubble.

- Nice toy---no batteries.

- A few quacks short of a duck.

- A few peas shy of having a casserole.

- A few trucks short of a convoy.

- An experiment in artificial stupidity.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.

- Forgot to pay the brain bill.

- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

One wheel short of a unicycle

A couple of roos short in the top paddock.

- A sandwich short of a picnic.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

- Fell out of the stupid tree & hit every branch on the way down

Couple of snaggers short of a barbie

The British Government abandoned their plan to introduce more stringent punishments for bad driving after EU lawyers pointed out that it was sexist.

in the news

"illegal downloading pirated movies costs billions every year"

My downloads must be legal then, they cost me nothing.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the<deleted> putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .

"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow!

That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The next door neighbours cooking must be amazing,

even her smoke alarm cheers her on!

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.

The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,

'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really

give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

That reminds me of this one:

An Italian, a German, and a Polack were sitting in a Manhattan bar, after six drinks the Italian says "That's six drinks and we haven't even gotten

a free one yet, down in little Italy there's a bar where every fourth drink is on the house".

The German says "That's nothin', there's a bar up in German Town where every third drink is free".

"You think that's somethin'" says the Polack? "There's a bar out in Rockaway where they give you your FIRST drink free, then the second, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and listen to this, then they take you in the back and get you LAID!"

"Holy shit, where is this bar?" says the German.

"I don't know, I've never been there but my sister goes there all the time."

Funny Cartoons

At the beach.

Not Only Is My Short Term Memory Horrible,

But So Is My Short Term Memory

If a turtle looses it's shell,

is it naked or homeless?