Worst Joke Ever

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[White Christmas13]

Well I guess we all post in the wrong forum here, it is called" Worst Joke Ever "

so why does every body post their good jokes here ?

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[Ron19]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Ron19]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.





Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a policeman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer.

"Unfortunately, we can't have our policemen constantly winking at the public,

they might think that you were suggesting that they might offer you a bribe,

so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin.

He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our policemen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married man!".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Let's face it, now would be a very good tea money time if a blind eye was turned?

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11.34: Arrived at crime scene

11.34 found footprints in garden

11.34 found signs of forced entry

11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11.34: Found murder weapon in drain

11.34: Realised watch was broken

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Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.

I wish we'd dropped her parents off first

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Some Scousers in Liverpool are moaning that there are not enough Scousers on the telly.

The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.

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My best mate, Barry passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."
I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

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As I was climbing into the new bed I bought us,

my wife snarled at me and turned the other way.

I think she's just jealous I got the top bunk.

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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we
were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said,
"Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Simon,"she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives me hope for our next generation.

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I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.