Worst Joke Ever

[Aussie69]

I thought a tinnie was a can of beer

Many years ago some friend of mine from Australia came to visit and showed me pictures of an annual canoe race in their outback town.

Problem was that most of the years there was no water in the local creak so they would make canoe's with holes in the bottom for their legs to go through and race down the track holding the canoes up round their waists.

True I saw the pictures.

Birdsville Races

[Aussie69]

A tinnie ...

[White Christmas13]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[White Christmas13]

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here LIies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

[White Christmas13]

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

[Ace of Pop]

The Truth

[Daffy D]

@Aussie69

So a tinnie is now a tin boat - Hmm! Progress I guess

Birdsville Races They still have them?

[Aussie69]

@Aussie69

So a tinnie is now a tin boat - Hmm! Progress I guess

Birdsville Races They still have them?

Yes Birdsville races, which started as a relatively small outback event, has become very popular. However I mistakenly believed that the 'boat' races mentioned were part of it, but they are not.

The 'boat' races are the Henley-on-Todd Regatta held in Alice Springs.

http://www.ozoutback.com.au/Australia/festivals/index.html

Edited July 16, 2016 by Aussie69

[Aussie69]

< delete >

Edited July 16, 2016 by Aussie69

[Ron19]

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and to buy some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

[Ron19]

Old Maybe - Senile - No

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

[Daffy D]

Aussie69, on 17 Jul 2016 - 05:42, said:

Daffy D, on 16 Jul 2016 - 20:25, said:

@Aussie69

So a tinnie is now a tin boat - Hmm! Progress I guess

Birdsville Races They still have them?

Yes Birdsville races, which started as a relatively small outback event, has become very popular. However I mistakenly believed that the 'boat' races mentioned were part of it, but they are not.

The 'boat' races are the Henley-on-Todd Regatta held in Alice Springs.

http://www.ozoutback.com.au/Australia/festivals/index.html

Not quite like the Henley-on-Thames Regatta but looks a lot more fun.

Bet quite a few tinnies beers downed on those occasions.

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

[White Christmas13]

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

[White Christmas13]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in the trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong...but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Me checking for bees" said Tarzan.

[Rob13]

^It was squirrels yesterday.

[joboss]

^It was squirrels yesterday.

Do you still have your nuts?

[umbanda]

A guy was walking on Pattaya beach with a penguin on a leach, under 40 degrees sun.

A police runs to him yelling..." Are you craze?..take this poor animal to the Zoo ! "

Two days later the same police saw the same guy again walking the penguin on the beach...

" I told you to take this poor animal to the Zoo !!! "

Response..

." I did...and he liked very much...Now... I will take him to Phuket ! "

[ozsamurai]

[White Christmas13]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[White Christmas13]

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him,

"when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather,

"Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said,

"She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells, 'Screw You',

and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

[White Christmas13]

One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he said firmly. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. "OK," he said, and off she went again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop!" he said firmly, "Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. "Oh, no," cried Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[White Christmas13]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[White Christmas13]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[White Christmas13]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[laislica]

Sorry, no Knock Knock jokes!

Where I come from

if you hear Knock Knock

you shut the &lt;deleted&gt; up and hide!

[AhFarangJa]

[Daffy D]

Simple Definition of "decorum"

Wot you do to apples before cooking

[Wilsonandson]

The golden age.