Worst Joke Ever

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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.

On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.

"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.

"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.

After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.

I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.

"We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots.

Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. T

he door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says,

"Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks?

I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

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A politician was running for office.
One of his aides came up to him and said
"Sir, I can assure you that you have the vote of every thinking person."
The politician replied "But I thought I needed a majority to win!"

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“I Lost 250 Pounds Thanks To Crystal Meth”

Says Former Obese Man

 

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[JB300]

And didn't we do just that in the 80/90s???

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[White Christmas13]

Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

 

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

 

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

 

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

 

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

 

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

 

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

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Methods of execution
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

 

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

 

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

 

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

[White Christmas13]

Irishman declares war
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

 

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

 

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

 

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

 

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

 

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

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9 hours ago, JB300 said:

 

And didn't we do just that in the 80/90s???

 

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9 hours ago, JB300 said:

 

And didn't we do just that in the 80/90s???

 

 

That's the point, and many members of the current youthful generation are doing the same thing even as we speak.

 

80s and 90s? 555, by that time I was a respectable businessman and ventures to the far side were few and far between.

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Edited September 18, 2016 by riceyummm