Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
 
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
 
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
 
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees... a ham bush."

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Guy wakes up in the morning and goes downstairs to his wife whose in the kitchen. She says to him " What do you want for breakfast? He says" How about some sex." She says" Ok" So they do, then the guy goes to work. He returns home at midday and the wife says " What do you want for lunch" The guy says " More sex." They finish and he goes back to work. He comes home late from work that night and to find his wife with a hot water bottle between her legs. Asks her what she 's doing and she says " I'm warming up your dinner !"

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then?

Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.   He sat down next to a blonde at the  bar and stared up at the TV.  The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was  covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to  jump.      The  blonde looked at Jack  and  said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack  said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The  blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack  placed a £20 bill on the bar and  said, "You're on!" Just  as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the  ledge  did a swan dive off the building, falling to his  death. The  blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Jack   "Fair's fair.  Here's your money." Jack  replied, "I can't take your  money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM  news,  So I knew he would  jump." The  blonde replied, "So  did I, but I couldn't believe  he'd do it again."    ...Jack took the money.

The Dangers of Golf

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. Thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." 

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now "she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and sodas, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".

I helped the wife with the dinner last night
I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Cheaper than driving to get take away!

Cheating on your wife doesn't mean you don't love her.
Its like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home.
It saves tires, ensures longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage.
Please send this to your wife and see what happens and let me know which hospital ward to come and visit you!

                    Japanese Sex Story

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"   

 

 

 Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!

You don’t know Japanese do you?

You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex.
You need serious help!

Sometimes I worry about you.

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Six guys were buried in mine shaft collapse in a Tiajuana silver mine recently. They managed to survive down there for two weeks while rescue crews worked tirelessly to dig them out. Amazed at their survival after such a long time, their wives were grateful to get them back. Maria spoilt her husband Juan from the minute they got home. Cooked him a nice meal accompanied with a big glass of tequila. She asked him if there was anything else special she could do for him. He said " Can I have sex? " Maria replied " Anything for my brave strong husband." So Juan bends Maria over, and says " Can I put it in your ass ?" Maria replied " Anything for my brave strong husband." As he starts pumping away, Juan says " Can ask for one more thing ?" Maria replies again " Anything for my brave strong husband. " So Juan says " Do you mind if I call you Pedro ? "

On 09/03/2017 at 6:20 PM, Panda13 said:

Six guys were buried in mine shaft collapse in a Tiajuana silver mine recently. They managed to survive down there for two weeks while rescue crews worked tirelessly to dig them out. Amazed at their survival after such a long time, their wives were grateful to get them back. Maria spoilt her husband Juan from the minute they got home. Cooked him a nice meal accompanied with a big glass of tequila. She asked him if there was anything else special she could do for him. He said " Can I have sex? " Maria replied " Anything for my brave strong husband." So Juan bends Maria over, and says " Can I put it in your ass ?" Maria replied " Anything for my brave strong husband." As he starts pumping away, Juan says " Can ask for one more thing ?" Maria replies again " Anything for my brave strong husband. " So Juan says " Do you mind if I call you Pedro ? "

Oops, a rather special kind of Worst Joke Ever?

To the admins and moderators of this group;
Can you please try to have a little more control over who you let in.

There is a new member.... An older woman.

She has been privately propositioning men .

She sends naked pictures of herself along with close ups of her private parts.

She is offering an iPhone 7 in exchange for sexual favours.
I am especially upset at this last part because, as it turns out the phone wasn't even an iPhone 7....... It was a iPhone 6!!!
And it obviously has a virus because it's ridiculously slow and on top of that,

the power button sticks and it was only marginally better than having to use my dictaphone !

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:-

 

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding...
I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "

 

 

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying <deleted>. He's never been out of the garden

Husband and Wife Sale Shopping..
A couple were in a busy shopping center just after Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as the...y had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do?"

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the bike shop next door to that."

A farmer named Paddy was in a terrible traffic accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da <deleted> would you say?'
 

This morning I went to the municipal offices to enroll my dog for cash assistance.
First, a social worker said that dogs can't get cash assistance.
So I had to explain to her that my dog is of mixed race, unemployed, lazy and don't speak a word of Danish.

He has no idea who his father is or where he comes from and don't know even his age.
I'm expected to have to feed him, give him shelter and free medical treatment.
Then she took her rules above to see what could be done in order to qualify for cash assistance.
I get my checks on first of every month!.
Jesus, I love Denmark......

 

Her til formiddag, gik jeg op på kommunen for at tilmelde min hund til kontanthjælp.
Først sagde socialrådgiveren, at hunde IKKE kan få kontanthjælp.
Så måtte jeg forklare hende, at min hund er af blandet race, arbejdsløs, doven og kan ikke et ord dansk. Han har ingen ide om hvem hans far er, eller hvor han kommer fra og kender ikke selv hans alder.
Det forventes at jeg skal fodre på ham, give ham husly og gratis medicinsk behandling.
Så tog hun sit regelsæt frem for at se hvad der skulle til, for at være kvalificeret til kontanthjælp.
Jeg får min første check den 1.
Hold kæft hvor jeg elsker Danmark..

Guy walks into the big tent at the circus one day, and says to the owner, " I'm looking for a job." The circus owner says to him, " Well, show me what you can do." So the guy starts flapping his arms really fast and does short run up then takes off flying. He does a couple of circuits around the tent, a few barrel rolls and a loop. He swoops down and lands at the owners feet and says "Well, what do you think? " . The owner looks at him and says " Phhtt, is that all you do? Bird imitations? "

Sent from my SM-G930F using Thaivisa Connect mobile app

A young lad buys a donkey for £100, but when the farmer delivers it, the donkey is dead and the farmer has spent the money.

"I'll take it anyway and raffle it off" says the boy.

"You can't raffle a dead donkey" says the farmer.

"Yes I can, I just won't tell them it's dead" says the boy.

A month later the boy meets the farmer at a market and he asked what happened with the raffle.

"I sold 500 tickets at £2 a ticket and made £900 profit!"

"Didn't anyone complain?" says the farmer.

"Yes", the kid replies
"Just the guy who won... so I gave him his £2 back".

The kid is now an investment banker.