Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

Husband is walking behind his wife and says,

"Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.

Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load.

You'll have to do it yourself by hand

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[StayinThailand2much]

Boom just got married to a foreign man of Sikh religion.

 

Right after the wedding ceremony, she was blushing, and, in a hurry, changed her nickname: why? 

Edited August 28, 2017 by StayinThailand2much

[laislica]

A soldier ran up to a nun out of breath and asked"Please,may i hide under your skirt?" i'll explain later,the nun agreed...A moment later 2 military police ran up and asked,sister,have you seen a soldier?The nun replied,he went that way.After the MPs ran off,the soldier crawled out from under her skirt,and said"I can't thank you enough sister,you see,i don't want to go to Afghanistan...The nun said,i understand completely"the soldier added"I hope i'm not rude,but you have a great pair of legs!"Nun replied"If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen a great pair of <deleted>!"....."I don't want to go to Afghanistan either!"[emoji23][emoji848]


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[laislica]

Sent from my iPad using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..!!!. God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asked, "What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

 

"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

BIG V SMALL BREASTS

Women With Big Breasts

can get a taxi on the worst days

have a neat place to carry spare change

have always been the centre of attraction

make jogging a spectator sport

can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)

usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

can always carry a little extra

always float better

know where to look first for lost earrings

rarely lack for a slow dance partner

have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

　

WOMEN WITH SMALL BREASTS

don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

always look younger

find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

can always see their toes and shoes

can sleep on their stomachs

have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

know that everything more than a handful is wasted

can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

　

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Edited August 31, 2017 by scottiejohn
hiding address

[scottiejohn]

My apologies to the structurally enhanced but I had to do this one!

 

[scottiejohn]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

A: 45 lbs.

　

　

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy,

so I got drunk.

　

　

What do you call a fat Chinese woman?

A Chunk.

[laislica]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[StayinThailand2much]

1 minute ago, laislica said:

I like your bike!

[MJCM]

Wow .... that's a big ..... (a..) bike [emoji10]

[scottiejohn]

14 hours ago, laislica said:

Would either of you like a piece of cake?

[transam]

Sadly the guy who invented the Cough lozenger has passed away, his last request was that there will be no coughin' at his funeral..

[scottiejohn]

 

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" as she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea!

[scottiejohn]

[MJCM]

The owner of the bike said "good shock absorbers".

[scottiejohn]

On ‎01‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 6:27 PM, laislica said:

With all that padding you will not need any helmets then will you?

Edited September 3, 2017 by scottiejohn
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