riceyummm Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted April 10, 2018 Share Posted April 10, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 18 hours ago, Daffy D said: Does that count as being shell shocked or just both careless and homeless? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 I don't let my children watch symphonies and big bands on TV. Too much sax and violins which only leads to treble. When I told my Pop this all he said was; that he had noted that I was one clef-er boy and pretty sharp but asked that I conduct myself better in future. I think he was just blowing his own trumpet and harping on at a scale I did not understand, but we are going to band together later to make music! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 UNTIL YOU CALL THE DOCTOR! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 Drive Through ATM Procedures Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to the cash machine. * 2 Put down your car window. * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt. * 6 Put window up. * 7 Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to cash machine. * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. * 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down. * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. * 5 Turn the radio down. * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. * 9 Insert card. * 10 Re-insert card the right side up * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside page. * 12 Enter PIN. * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. * 14 Enter amount of cash required. * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror. * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt. * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook. * 19 Re-check make-up again. * 20 Drive forwards 2 feet. * 21 Reverse back to cash machine. * 22 Retrieve card. * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind. * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off. * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles. * 27 Release Parking Brake. 28 return to site retrieve card you have already retrieved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 One day, there was this Banker who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the banker ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "You’re a banker aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" he asked. "HA! Your bankers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The banker looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluesofa Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 One day I was in the car with my girlfriend, she was driving. I put my hand on her knee, suggesting we should find somewhere quiet to park. I was always suspicious she might be a witch, and I realised it was true when she turned into a lay-by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. They went to a back room where the terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under bed in the outhouse in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 The Sermon A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without you we are but dust... " He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was listening!) leaned over to mum and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, is butt dust that stuff you put on before going to that dance bar to work every night?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted April 13, 2018 Share Posted April 13, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 13, 2018 Share Posted April 13, 2018 1 hour ago, riceyummm said: One supposes they are really pi*sed off with the whole thing. What a dick. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 (edited) Edited April 15, 2018 by riceyummm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 28 minutes ago, riceyummm said: A sad reflection that it is acceptable to take a gun into a theatre but not chocolates. But on the plus side it was only their own teeth they were planning on harming not other humans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted April 15, 2018 Share Posted April 15, 2018 Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café. We snuck into a secluded chatroom, and then your mother downloaded stuff from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an update, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later Amazon delivered a blessed baby package. And that's my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.3b3332cc2256ad0edbc2fe9404feeef0.png)
.thumb.jpg.bc523c85a8d558dbc282dca7a2e602c9.jpg)
Recommended Posts