SOME SCOTTISH ONE LINERS

 

 

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

 

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."

 

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

 

"A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand."

 

"I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a Rottweiler chase you home."

 

"Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'"

 

"I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

 

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards"

 

"Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s."

Copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen having a tug of war with a penny.

46 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

Copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen having a tug of war with a penny.

Not true.  It was a tug of war between a Jew and a Scotsman with a Geordie referee after they tossed a groat.

(there is a google search for you all non Brits)

The difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker is the Rottweiler will sometimes give the child back.

The mind blows..  555

 

 

A blonde was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted her. Later that day the blond came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," she said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honour," replied blonde,

 

"I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

 

Billy's father said, "I'm actually a Lawyer. How can I explain or subject a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"