Two Italians talk to each other on a bus. "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

A lady behind them says "We don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

The Italian replies "Hey, coola down lady, who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A man walks up to reception at the doctors.

" Excuse me, I have an appointment for Dr Smith."

"OK, and what is the nature of your medical problem?"

"I have a problem with my penis."

The receptionist tuts and looks embarrassed and finally says quietly'

"Sir, you really shouldnt have mentioned about this nature of problem. You should just have said that you have a problem with your nose."

"OK"' says the man. "I have a problem with my nose."

"That's better. And what is the problem with your nose?"

"I cant piss out of it."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic... and so am I.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got Alzheimer's...

Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD?

To a concentration camp.

That's not funny. My grandpa died in a concentration camp.

He slipped and broke his neck whilst patrolling the guard tower.

My great, great Grandfather died at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

He wasn't actually fighting. He was camping in the next field and went over to complain about the noise.

Uri Geller cancelled his tour of Thailand when he found that somebody had already beat him to it.

The spoons and forks were already bendy!

Men in their 20s play football

Men in their 40s play tennis

Men in their 60s play golf

Notice how the older you get the smaller your balls become?

My fridge started to vibrate and sound like Barry Manilow's Copacabana.

The engineer told me to turn the temperature down........because it wasn't cool enough!

I called my boss this morning and told him I wouldn't be coming in today as my car wouldn't start.

He said take the bus.

I haven't got a bus.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Why fart and waste

when you can burp and taste?

A turtle gets mugged by a gang of snails.
Police officer: "Can you explain to me what happened?"
Turtle: "I dunno, it all happened so fast."

I turned into a cat

Don't ask meow!

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

Nuisance telephone canvassers: I just say"I'm an idiot and not allowed to use the phone" I suppose it's better than lying.

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boobies.

Bathroom graffiti.

Bathroom graffiti.

Is it bad if I don't get it?

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

Bathroom graffiti.

I once read above a urinal:

Do not look for jokes on the wall,

your hand is holding the greatest of them all

Bathroom graffiti.

I once read above a urinal:

Do not look for jokes on the wall,

your hand is holding the greatest of them all

Once at the urinal there was a wavy line drawn upwards.

I looked up, along the line and right near the ceiling it said, while you're reading what I put, you are pissing on your foot!

what's red and travels the world on crutches?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Herpes.

555555555 crutches...crotches...no?

Another urinal-related joke (very old one)

Two men relieving themselves in the gents' urinal, having a conversation:

"You come from Unst, yes?"

"I do, how did you know that?"

"There is a doctor in Unst, yes?"

"Sure, we only have the one."

"He circumcises slightly to the left, yes?"

"So, I'm told, how do you know that?'

"You are pissing in my pocket!"

DM

Another urinal-related joke (very old one)

Two men relieving themselves in the gents' urinal, having a conversation:

"You come from Unst, yes?"

"I do, how did you know that?"

"There is a doctor in Unst, yes?"

"Sure, we only have the one."

"He circumcises slightly to the left, yes?"

"So, I'm told, how do you know that?'

"You are pissing in my pocket!"

DM

Conversation material for gents at the urinal:

-"How's it hanging?"

-"What's up?"

-"Cum here often?"

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.