I Blew Up At The Missus This Evening.

[thaibeachlovers]

Lack of communication.Sit down and have a chat with her.You will soon find out what the problem is and take it from there.

If she's like my wife that is pointless. She never discusses things that make her upset, no matter how I try to discuss them.

As for housework, my wife works full time while I an retired, so it's fair enough that I do housework for us. I don't sort her stuff though- if she leaves it lying around, I just pile it up on her space to sort out. So long as the house is clean and tidy I don't get all fanatical.

Bottom line, take the girl out of the equation, and is there enough to make you WANT to stay in your situation. I've been there back home, and in the long run, if there is nothing left between you and your wife, IMO you owe it to yourself to move on, unless you can accept living in a pointless union.

If like me, you are a lot older than her, I believe it is up to us to "cool it", having more life experience. If I started having a go at my wife everytime she has a "problem" we would have split up ages ago. There is a difference between being a doormat, and not over reacting to every little thing.

I guess that so long as there are more "good" times than "crap" times, it's worth paying the price to stay.

Just my opinion.

[thaibeachlovers]

the wife left this morning to discharge her brother from hospital who got seriously busted up in a motorbike accident...we paid about thb30000 to assist him and his family and I see it as part of our responsibility...

problem is that he has never said a word to me and never meets my eye when we are in the same room...and I remarked as much to my wife who just said that he is illiterate and mentally difficient and I responded: 'and why does an illiterate and mentally difficient individual presume that he can assume responsibility for suppporting a family? (he has 2 little boys)...'

she just shrugged her shoulders in irritation...

Oh how familiar your post is. I have a BIG problem with my inlaws- we live in my wife's sister's house, and it was really deficient when we moved in, both in the house and outside.

Over the past year I have done MAJOR work, cleaning up outside, laying gravel at my expense, paying for new fridge, sink, shelving and cooker, Also done a lot of work inside and around the house- sorting the electrics, tiling the old tatty kitchen bench, new lighting and improving all the patio paving, reroofing the car port, replacing bad concrete etc etc.

However, whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

In the beginning I used to complain to my wife about it, which just annoyed her, so now I don't say anything, get PO ( we have a row about something every time they visit ) and just get more and more angry whenever she tells me they are coming to stay.

Moving out is not an option at present, though I long for the time we can move back to Pattaya, far away from THEM!

[chuang]

Have a heart to heart chat with her....you are a good provider...sometimes it's hard to say goodbye....

[TommoPhysicist]

But if some people who are inclined to order others about and put them under the thumb, up to them. I'd rather talk and understand first and then if all else fails, leave the relationship.

I didn't suggest ordering anyone around, but if I did, I would suggest you took some comprehension lessons.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[edwinclapham]

It is hard to get them to accept these situations even though we can prove where we were with visas and other proof especially when they know so little of the world.

Your mistake is in even trying. "You think I was with another woman, what if I was? what you going to do?, If you want to leave, doors over there"

That is the correct way to handle mistrust.

Do what?

I notice you quote a small part of the post and left out totally the part where due to my actions, she believed I was actually in Thailand and that led to the misunderstanding in the first place. Also the relevant point about Loong's post where he showed his visa !!!

There is the door, get out??

You cannot handle a trust issue like that in a relationship. That is dictatorial and pathetic.

We have been given the ability to talk to enable us to overcome these misunderstandings and trust issues. As edwinclapham says, it takes time to build trust. And I'd agree with that and add that it takes time to build trust on both sides of a relationship.

Sometimes a firm hand is needed, other times a gentle way is needed.

But if some people who are inclined to order others about and put them under the thumb, up to them. I'd rather talk and understand first and then if all else fails, leave the relationship.

So simple isnt it Pattayadingo! at the end of the day it is about communication!

[TommoPhysicist]

but then again, how much would it cost me if I left?

Let me see ...... you don't have to pay, car repayments, insurance, her food, her living expenses, school money ..........

What did that save you 25k/month? more or less?

Opposed to increased expenses ...... house rental 5k/month.

You didn't answer, what is her age, what is your age? Just curious.

I'm betting she mid 30s, you about 60.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[TommoPhysicist]

whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

If like me, you are a lot older than her, I believe it is up to us to "cool it", having more life experience. If I started having a go at my wife everytime she has a "problem" we would have split up ages ago. There is a difference between being a doormat, and not over reacting to every little thing.

Easy answer, when they visit, you leave.

Don't talk about it, just get up and leave, come back when you are sure they have gone.

Never argue or try to 'talk to' Thais ....... 'having a go' is a losing move in this game of control they like to play.

White people are far too direct and confrontational, it just isn't done like that here.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[Bangkokhatter]

whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

If like me, you are a lot older than her, I believe it is up to us to "cool it", having more life experience. If I started having a go at my wife everytime she has a "problem" we would have split up ages ago. There is a difference between being a doormat, and not over reacting to every little thing.

Easy answer, when they visit, you leave.

Don't talk about it, just get up and leave, come back when you are sure they have gone.

Never argue or try to 'talk to' Thais ....... 'having a go' is a losing move in this game of control they like to play.

White people are far too direct and confrontational, it just isn't done like that here.

The gospel according to Tommo

[transam]

whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

If like me, you are a lot older than her, I believe it is up to us to "cool it", having more life experience. If I started having a go at my wife everytime she has a "problem" we would have split up ages ago. There is a difference between being a doormat, and not over reacting to every little thing.

Easy answer, when they visit, you leave.

Don't talk about it, just get up and leave, come back when you are sure they have gone.

Never argue or try to 'talk to' Thais ....... 'having a go' is a losing move in this game of control they like to play.

White people are far too direct and confrontational, it just isn't done like that here.

The gospel according to Tommo

Well, yes. 90% of my ''extended'' family don't come to our place anymore. They are fed up l don't supply Whiskey . BUT, my mrs is happy they don't come as well.

[TommoPhysicist]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[samsiam]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

I thought he was avin a larf cos he thought what you said was good.

I nearly liked him....should I still like him or will you think I am on the wrong side of the fence ??

[transam]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

I thought he was avin a larf cos he thought what you said was good.

I nearly liked him....should I still like him or will you think I am on the wrong side of the fence ??

Only time will tell eh.

But it's my birthday, sooooooooooooo, all be happy, l made it this far.

[Johnniey]

She has a 6 and half year old daughter and a 16 year old son.

Generally, we get on quite well, but it has been a rocky road.

Says it all, the Thai son I mean.

Why on earth do you cook dinner? By doing this she will lose all respect for you.

[thaibeachlovers]

whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

If like me, you are a lot older than her, I believe it is up to us to "cool it", having more life experience. If I started having a go at my wife everytime she has a "problem" we would have split up ages ago. There is a difference between being a doormat, and not over reacting to every little thing.

Easy answer, when they visit, you leave.

Don't talk about it, just get up and leave, come back when you are sure they have gone.

Never argue or try to 'talk to' Thais ....... 'having a go' is a losing move in this game of control they like to play.

White people are far too direct and confrontational, it just isn't done like that here.

The first time it happened I said that I was going to do that in future, and since then she either doesn't tell me they are coming till too late, or tells me that it's just her sister dropping by for a couple hours, only for it to be 3 or 4 of them for 2 or 3 days. Perhaps she's more worried about them taking offence than of having a row with me.

Once they are actually arrived, I won't leave, as it would make them lose face, and I don't want to make it worse for my wife than it already is. It's "bad" enough that I won't give them any money, but to walk out on them would probably be a bridge too far.

I do however, spend a lot longer in the internet cafe than usual! I also spend most of the rest of my time in the bedroom watching tv.

[tinfoilhat]

I just typed a long and sincere post drawing on my own experience and history in Thailand before deciding, that sharing here simply isn't worth it.

The experiences described here are so alien to those of myself and the people i associate with, i feel i should absent myself from further discussion.

[samsiam]

My children have never seen me cook dinner...except for toast....nor wash a dish...let alone dishes...nor wash any clothes.

I am worried I am setting a bad example and have contemplated opening a can of beans and heating them up.

[cardholder]

I just typed a long and sincere post drawing on my own experience and history in Thailand before deciding, that sharing here simply isn't worth it.

The experiences described here are so alien to those of myself and the people i associate with, i feel i should absent myself from further discussion.

I think the long and sincere post would have been a more worthwhile contribution. Otherwise there was no point in you posting at all...?

[KhunMoo]

I haven't read the last couple of pages, but it just seems you need some friends and a wife that cares about you.

You seem like a nice guy, you deserve that people pop by at the end of the day, and give you a hug and ask "how was your day" Not because they are told to do it, but because they want to.

A wife that doesn't even says hello to you, when she comes home and go out buy cars, whiteout talking about if a home first - no way. There more than 30million women is this country, many of them quite nice, understanding, helpful and loving. Go find one of them.

I understand you want to take care of your daughter, but sacrificing you own happiness, for that is not they way in the long run.

On a different note, having a couple of Chang's in the evening doesn't make you an alcoholic! So quit the fags, and the non-caring wife and enjoy you Changs, keep in touch with you daughter an go live somewhere, where you get a better social life

[pattayadingo]

But if some people who are inclined to order others about and put them under the thumb, up to them. I'd rather talk and understand first and then if all else fails, leave the relationship.

I didn't suggest ordering anyone around, but if I did, I would suggest you took some comprehension lessons.

You need to learn to quote more text instead of part of the text to get fuller comprehension of the posts, not just picking out the bits that suit you.

[Bangkokhatter]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

Stalking , on a serious note you can always use the report button.

As for the OP, the problem i have with your POV's are that they are so outdated. You and a few others on here really do need to understand there are many of us here in normal, loving relationships, where both contribute to household chores etc. You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

For the OP much has been said and it does seem that the relationship has run it's course. I would leave and try to arrange some sort of on-going contact with his step-daughter.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Bangkokhatter

[KhunMoo]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

Stalking , on a serious note you can always use the report button.

As for the OP, the problem i have with your POV's are that they are so outdated. You and a few others on here really do need to understand there are many of us here in normal, loving relationships, where both contribute to household chores etc. You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

For the OP much has been said and it does seem that the relationship has run it's course. I would leave and try to arrange some sort of on-going contact with his step-daughter.

Nice to see that there are in fact normal people on the forum - i was getting scared, that Tommo-Psychopath was representative for the whole board...

[KhunMoo]

Ohh....Bummer, spelled your name wrong there, T-Bag - must have been a freudian slip - my sincere apologies

[BigJohnnyBKK]

You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

I think that is certainly the case with most Thai women, certainly relatively poor uneducated ones.

Not sufficient cause in itself, but certainly an indicator of a sucker.

The idea of each role having its fixed set of duties is very deeply ingrained within traditional culture.

A small percentage have been breaking out of that culture in recent generations, but generally only the elite and of course those married to stupid farang that inadvertently convert them to become as bad as western women.

[metisdead]

A post containing rather derogatory generalizations toward other posters rather than discussing the topic at hand has been removed.

[Pikey]

You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

I think that is certainly the case with most Thai women, certainly relatively poor uneducated ones.

Not sufficient cause in itself, but certainly an indicator of a sucker.

The idea of each role having its fixed set of duties is very deeply ingrained within traditional culture.

A small percentage have been breaking out of that culture in recent generations, but generally only the elite and of course those married to stupid farang that inadvertently convert them to become as bad as western women.

Hell, I just washed my own coffee cup whilst my wife was out getting hot and sweaty doing the garden and getting eaten by mozzies. What should I do guys? <Snip!> her? Divorce her or complain on TV about her???

Loong (OP) no offence to you sir and I hope for a peaceful resolution to your problem. For my five pence worth, if you ride a motorcycle, piss off on a trip, switch your phone off and think about yourself for a few days. Idon't mean <Snip!> other chicks, coz that will just consfuse things, but get yourself away and some time to think without the pressure that you are now subjected to.

Good luck.

Pikey.

Edited June 15, 2012 by metisdead
: If you don't want to see your posts edited, leave the profanities out, even if disguised.

[SimonD]

My children have never seen me cook dinner...except for toast....nor wash a dish...let alone dishes...nor wash any clothes.

I am worried I am setting a bad example and have contemplated opening a can of beans and heating them up.

Sam, after reading your thread about home welding, I would strongly suggest you let a professional heat the beans...

[maxme]

You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

I think that is certainly the case with most Thai women, certainly relatively poor uneducated ones.

Not sufficient cause in itself, but certainly an indicator of a sucker.

The idea of each role having its fixed set of duties is very deeply ingrained within traditional culture.

A small percentage have been breaking out of that culture in recent generations, but generally only the elite and of course those married to stupid farang that inadvertently convert them to become as bad as western women.

Hell, I just washed my own coffee cup whilst my wife was out getting hot and sweaty doing the garden and getting eaten by mozzies. What should I do guys? <Snip!> her? Divorce her or complain on TV about her???

Loong (OP) no offence to you sir and I hope for a peaceful resolution to your problem. For my five pence worth, if you ride a motorcycle, piss off on a trip, switch your phone off and think about yourself for a few days. Idon't mean <Snip!> other chicks, coz that will just consfuse things, but get yourself away and some time to think without the pressure that you are now subjected to.

Good luck.

Pikey.

And just ditch the kids , well now that's a swell idea. Did your mommy never teach you about responsibility?

There are more clever and easier ways to handle this than acting on the same leve she has been doing.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

And just ditch the kids , well now that's a swell idea. Did your mommy never teach you about responsibility?

There are more clever and easier ways to handle this than acting on the same leve she has been doing.

They are her kids, she is their mother and somehow managed without his babysitting services before, think she can cope? I do. How about when he went home for a few weeks, was that a mortal sin?

There isn't a physical ball and chain involved here is there. . .

[cdnvic]

Removed one flame and some replies. If you aren't articulate enough to get your point across without insults, just keep your opinions to yourself.

[473geo]

Loong, I think she is worried that she is losing you, I think her confidence in the relationship has hit a low ebb......so perhaps she is trying to put a brave face on it all by being the one who is pretending not to care

Why?

Well you have pointed out that she has worked hard and long hours, yet you appear to criticise her efforts around the house

You talk about piles of clothes not put away, yet you could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting

You have just been away, on your own, for a long period, an 'expensive' trip, but it would appear that you criticise her for buying a truck, and insurance, despite the fact that she has worked long hours (during and after the 'forced' sale of her business) to try and meet the cost

If you have mentioned financial hardship, tightening the belt as it were, then you continue to drink and smoke

I am not having a go at you, and appreciate that you have assisted with the washing and cooking, but maybe she feels at the moment she can do nothing right.........

I have posted this because I think you should consider very carefully the further damage you may inflict on her confidence if you 'take a trip' as many have suggested

Best wishes for the future

Edited June 15, 2012 by 473geo