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Cultural Differences On Birthdays And Holidays?

Featured Replies

I would like to get some feedback from the Thai ladies out there.

I am an American living in Thailand for many years now and have a Thai girlfriend for 3 years. I really do love her but it seems to me it's rather a one way relationship. I have to travel and be with customers often and can't stay with her many times.

I had gotten her a job at my friend's office and she's a normal office girl attending university.

The problem seems that she rarely shows affection. I mean for past 3 years, I never received any gift from her unless I becomes "jai noi" after my birthday or christmas. When I ask her if she will at least take me out for dinner to celebrate my birthday, she responded,"Why would I? You are not even here that day." I, on the other hand, have a condo for her, just booked a car for her and pay for everything she had wanted.

This past new year eve, she just disappear with her friends partying and did not even bother sending me or answering my happy new year messages which I sent at midnight. I finally got one when she was ready to go home at 4 am.

Is this type of carefree and lack of consideration normal in Thai culture?

I know that Thais normally host their own birthday party and pay for their friends to enjoy, which seems strange to me.

Am I being overly sensitive or is she just taking me for a ride?

Lucky, that you ask for feedback from Thai ladies, only.

I'll keep my 2cents for myself, lean back, and wait.

Do you really have to ask ?? How old are you ? What's the age difference ?

Oops , sorry ...need to ask the missus and come back to you.

Maybe she just does not like you the way you like her. The Thai girls i have seen do reply to messages and come up with birthday presents. Her friends seem to be more important than you.. id take the clue.. and im not a girl, hope you did not only want female advice.

  • Author

We normally do chat online with no problems throughout the day when I am away. But it seems when she goes to parties, she loses her head.

I do have to consider that cultural differences in how affection is displayed, thus, I'm asking here.

Age differences is about 12 years. She is 23 and I'm 35.

For me, being older and a westerner, when I make a commitment, I work to fulfil it. This is normally how relationships work. Either there is a fundamental cultural difference here or I'm just being too soft.

I dont want to break up just because of her indifference on birthdays and holidays, but I can't help but feel something is missing. Outside of this, everything seems to be ok.

If its only birthdays and holidays its ok, on the other hand you cant expect there to be there for you 24/7. If you talk about important things like something in your family will she ask later about how it ended or do you have to bring it up.. Something like that shows genuine interest.

If there is none of that, id really reconsider.

I,m an English guy with a thai g/f of 4 years and I would not put up with what you do from this lady-move on is my advice,its not even worth discussing-nothing to do with culture-your just a doormat it seems to me,sorry.

wink.png

We normally do chat online with no problems throughout the day when I am away. But it seems when she goes to parties, she loses her head.

I do have to consider that cultural differences in how affection is displayed, thus, I'm asking here.

Age differences is about 12 years. She is 23 and I'm 35.

For me, being older and a westerner, when I make a commitment, I work to fulfil it. This is normally how relationships work. Either there is a fundamental cultural difference here or I'm just being too soft.

I dont want to break up just because of her indifference on birthdays and holidays, but I can't help but feel something is missing. Outside of this, everything seems to be ok.

So you are going out with a baby and wonder why she acts babyish.

sent from my Q6

Hi Sametbeachboy,

I think she's Using you, sorry.

If you're asking if Thai people usually exchange gifts and make a fuss about Birthdays and New Years... Yes we do. If she's not making you feel adored and loved then I presume it's because she doesn't adore you.

umm not thai but this sounds like you are funding a lifestyle for her that she doesn't want you involved too much in. Just my 2 satang

You're suggesting culture might be an excuse for poor and careless behaviour.... It's not a good excuse at all. A country such as Thailand rich in culture and often soaked in tradition has many of its foundations buried in traditions of caring and consideration...

You are not seeing any of this caring and consideration - there is no cultural explanation for this. There is however a human explanation and the ladies who have commented so far have clarified this perfectly. Its brutally obvious to any onlooker (or in this case, reader) that you've become a stereotype, a walking ATM....

Sorry, she's clearly using you.

You were seeking the response of females - Apologies for responding, however, a woman's intuition and being born in any one country does not provide any greater insight into a situation where someone is so clearly being taken advantage of.

From what you have written it really does appear that black and white.. Best of luck with either your sanity or the exit strategy.

So OP you traveled (emigrated) about 11,000 miles to get the same G/F treatment you can easily get in the States !? Wow!.. You said it yourself "one way relationship". Those kinds of relationships are easy to find - hard to get rid of... Her neglect you describe is a symptom - the disease is she is 'just not into you' and she is not really going to change. In a relationship, people rarely change just because you have a long talk about your problems.

As was suggested by another poster you need an exit strategy because when she realizes she is going to lose her benefits - she won't go quietly... If you want to avoid six months of agony then take my older guy advice - never get into a relationship (business or personal) unless you are fully prepared "To Walk" at short notice when the vibrations get bad and the deal goes sour. "Been there - done that - learned my lesson".

Exit Plan... Don't tell her until you're gone. By stealth - remove your critical small but valuable items from the condo over a week - store them somewhere safe. Confidentially give notice to the landlord . Find a condo as far away as is practical for your job - 100-200K if you can. Catch her off for a long weekend or more visiting Mom (or at least that is what she says she is doing). If you can time it to when you are going to be out on a long business trip ... or at least say you are. When she is gone to see Mom - move out totally - quickly - a few hours at most - hire a crew. If a mutual friend sees you tell them you have to clear out so the landlord can fumigate. Change SIM cards, Leave her a note that you have business in Singapore. Leave 30 days on the Condo Rent before it expires and 6000 baht to humor her. Tell her in the note - "That is has been good - but not real good"... Then next time find a woman - not a girl - go for age 28-30 or so, education complete, professional job, looks good but not Cosmo cover girl, speaks good English, has traveled to places like China, Korea,Japan, U.S., UK. - in other words she has something to talk about when the lust has worn off a bit. Good Luck OP.

  • Author

I take it that it's not her fault entirely because of her age and lack of ability to take care of someone. I was taken in by her youthful energy and innocent looks. It's really difficult to walk away from a 3 year relationship, given how much I have put in, not only money but time and hopes.

Sometimes it sucks to be a good guy and be fair. I do have a reasonable expectation for my significant "other" to show their appreciation once or twice a year, especially when I provide everything for a comfortable life.

Thanks for all the feedback.

  • Author

So OP you traveled (emigrated) about 11,000 miles to get the same G/F treatment you can easily get in the States !? Wow!.. You said it yourself "one way relationship". Those kinds of relationships are easy to find - hard to get rid of... Her neglect you describe is a symptom - the disease is she is 'just not into you' and she is not really going to change. In a relationship, people rarely change just because you have a long talk about your problems.

As was suggested by another poster you need an exit strategy because when she realizes she is going to lose her benefits - she won't go quietly... If you want to avoid six months of agony then take my older guy advice - never get into a relationship (business or personal) unless you are fully prepared "To Walk" at short notice when the vibrations get bad and the deal goes sour. "Been there - done that - learned my lesson".

Exit Plan... Don't tell her until you're gone. By stealth - remove your critical small but valuable items from the condo over a week - store them somewhere safe. Confidentially give notice to the landlord . Find a condo as far away as is practical for your job - 100-200K if you can. Catch her off for a long weekend or more visiting Mom (or at least that is what she says she is doing). If you can time it to when you are going to be out on a long business trip ... or at least say you are. When she is gone to see Mom - move out totally - quickly - a few hours at most - hire a crew. If a mutual friend sees you tell them you have to clear out so the landlord can fumigate. Change SIM cards, Leave her a note that you have business in Singapore. Leave 30 days on the Condo Rent before it expires and 6000 baht to humor her. Tell her in the note - "That is has been good - but not real good"... Then next time find a woman - not a girl - go for age 28-30 or so, education complete, professional job, looks good but not Cosmo cover girl, speaks good English, has traveled to places like China, Korea,Japan, U.S., UK. - in other words she has something to talk about when the lust has worn off a bit. Good Luck OP.

Thanks for the recommendations, but it's one of my condos she is staying in which I could not rent out. Now I need to clear out all of my assets under her name before moving her stuff out while she's at work. Wonder if I should leave it in the condo parking lot or dump it at her friend's place.

She doesn't buy you birthday presents and so, on the advice of more than a few bitter men you decide to dump her clothes in the parking lot. And people say the Thais are amazing.

You don't have to signal a social conscience by looking like a frump. Lace knickers won't hasten the holocaust, you can ban the bomb in a feather boa just as well as without, and a mild interest in the length of hemlines doesn't necessarily disqualify you from reading Das Kapital and agreeing with every word. ~Elizabeth Bibesco

If she doesn't buy you stuff and you object ....... why don't you try not buying her stuff.

No need for getting one's knickers in a twist.

PS

You invited her to move in to your condo, something many of us on Tv think is a no no, for just this reason. Dumping her stuff would make you a bad person, so don't even think about doing that.

PPS

Never seen my wife, MIL, or children exchange any gifts on birthdays or Xmas. I don't either now.

Some westernized Thais might play the game, but not the normal people.

PPPS

No real Thai people using Tv as far as I know. So you wouldn't get any replies from the desired sample.

She doesn't buy you birthday presents and so, on the advice of more than a few bitter men you decide to dump her clothes in the parking lot. And people say the Thais are amazing.

What would you suggest LadyHeather ?? Come-on OP: Man Up, suck-it-up and deal with it. Learn to be taken advantage of like a real man !!!...

Op: No need to be scared - IF you feel she is taking advantage of you wish simply break up with her and ask her to leave, do so. There is no nice ways to break up with someone, but you can find a respectful way of doing this if it is what you choose.

If she doesn't buy you stuff and you object ....... why don't you try not buying her stuff.

No need for getting one's knickers in a twist.

Because then she moves out, anyway?

Oh, the solution for this no ploblem, can it be so easy?

She doesn't buy you birthday presents and so, on the advice of more than a few bitter men you decide to dump her clothes in the parking lot. And people say the Thais are amazing.

What would you suggest LadyHeather ?? Come-on OP: Man Up, suck-it-up and deal with it. Learn to be taken advantage of like a real man !!!...

Op: No need to be scared - IF you feel she is taking advantage of you wish simply break up with her and ask her to leave, do so. There is no nice ways to break up with someone, but you can find a respectful way of doing this if it is what you choose.

Precisely that. Man up as you say.

You don't have to signal a social conscience by looking like a frump. Lace knickers won't hasten the holocaust, you can ban the bomb in a feather boa just as well as without, and a mild interest in the length of hemlines doesn't necessarily disqualify you from reading Das Kapital and agreeing with every word. ~Elizabeth Bibesco

She doesn't buy you birthday presents and so, on the advice of more than a few bitter men you decide to dump her clothes in the parking lot. And people say the Thais are amazing.

Exactly... That is pretty harsh!

Besides, it sounds like he has more to lose out of this than just the lack of Birthday attention. If the assets are in her name... that exit strategy won't fit

I would first check the relation, just birthdays could be cultural but if she really has no interest in the guy. Never asks about his work or things in his life, does not plan things together ect. Combine that all id say its pretty sure she does not want him. But i would not kick her out that harsh that is just not my style, but i would make sure id minimize my losses.

  • Author

At the moment, I have not done anything yet. The thought of tossing her stuff out is just one option. I don't think I would be so crude.

In the past 3 years, i have help her net a cash flow from work, dividend, capital gains, accommodations, entertainment and gifts to be over 2 mil baht. I do track all my expenses and opportunities lost. Moving the assets takes only a few days, as I have all the signed documents and accounts.

I just need to consider, as our TV members, pointed out....Am I over reacting or is there some fundamental cultural differences?

At the start of this relationship, I already knew that a young gal don't know how to take decent care of a man. I had intended to give her time, a few years, but I just have to question....Am i being taken for a ride?

Really undecided on this issue.

I, on the other hand, have a condo for her, just booked a car for her and pay for everything she had wanted.
This past new year eve, she just disappear with her friends partying and did not even bother sending me or answering my happy new year messages

whistling.gif

Is this type of carefree and lack of consideration normal in Thai culture?

Of course not. She obviously has zero respect for you and is taking you for a fool.

Advice:

Move all your stuff. Leave with very little drama. A phone call or message to say you are gone. Throw your sim card away.

Done.

At the moment, I have not done anything yet. The thought of tossing her stuff out is just one option. I don't think I would be so crude.

In the past 3 years, i have help her net a cash flow from work, dividend, capital gains, accommodations, entertainment and gifts to be over 2 mil baht. I do track all my expenses and opportunities lost. Moving the assets takes only a few days, as I have all the signed documents and accounts.

I just need to consider, as our TV members, pointed out....Am I over reacting or is there some fundamental cultural differences?

At the start of this relationship, I already knew that a young gal don't know how to take decent care of a man. I had intended to give her time, a few years, but I just have to question....Am i being taken for a ride?

Really undecided on this issue.

Yep. She is riding you like a cowboy.

I don't care how old the person is... If you are taking care of someone and they do not make the effort for your birthday/Christmas etc then it is time for them to go. The lack of interest, IMHO, is either a sign of disrespect or a sign that you are not a high enough priority in her life.

At the moment, I have not done anything yet. The thought of tossing her stuff out is just one option. I don't think I would be so crude.

In the past 3 years, i have help her net a cash flow from work, dividend, capital gains, accommodations, entertainment and gifts to be over 2 mil baht. I do track all my expenses and opportunities lost. Moving the assets takes only a few days, as I have all the signed documents and accounts.

I just need to consider, as our TV members, pointed out....Am I over reacting or is there some fundamental cultural differences?

At the start of this relationship, I already knew that a young gal don't know how to take decent care of a man. I had intended to give her time, a few years, but I just have to question....Am i being taken for a ride?

Really undecided on this issue.

Really undecided on this issue..... That should be the most telling thing. If your not sure now it will probably always be a problem, not the best of futures. The indecision is between your head and your heart. This coming from someone who doesn't listen to his own advice.

  • 3 weeks later...

Sounds like she likes the lifestyle as everyone else is saying. Thai girls are just as or more considerate then other girls I have found. If you where back home and a girl did not care about your birthday/special days you would know she does not care for you. It's the same here

From a girl's point of view (not Thai) sounds to me like she's having the time of her life with you funding her lifestyle. Like you said, it seems to be you doing all the work and her taking it all for granted.

I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing in a relationship.

Maybe I didnt read the thread carefully enough, but am confused by

1. the OP first just wanting to get opinions about whether its normal for thais to not give gifts for birthdays/christmas

but suddenly there is talk of

2. throwing her out of the apartment?

on Item 1, it varies. Most Thais do not celebrate Christmas, and hence no gift exchange. Birthdays - again a large part dont really do gifts. Exceptions would be: younger children, more affluent, those who have been exposed to the more modern ways. Admittedly, the third category could be growing.....and that would mean many in the cities and towns are aware of the practice.

Others have asked whether she shows she cares for you in other ways....?

My opinion - lets assume she is not used to the practice of gift giving on birthdays, but she has been your GF for three years. Enough time to pick up some of the western way (if we operate on the basis that gift giving is a western concept)

Alternatively, you have been together three years. I think thats long enough for you to be able to openly say to her, exactly what you have been telling us - that you are happy to look after her and take care of her as you have been doing, and appreciate that while she may not earn a lot, every now and then it would brighten your day to get a gift from her - no matter the monetary value. Have you tried letting her know that? If not, I think that should be your first step.

and then you wont need to consider Item 2 (throwing her stuff out in the car park!) :lol:

have to say that, no matter how inconsiderate she may sound on not giving any gift etc, but the minute you start even talking about throwing your GF of three years out without speaking to her...then you end up turning into a jerk.

sorry to be this direct.

good luck

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