5 very good jokes in a row there mate, well done. Don't burn yourself out though!

A reporter from CNN heard that a very old Jewish man walked to the Wailing Wall every day to prey and had been doing so for sixty years. Needing a new human interest story, he packed his bags and flies to Jerusalem.

Sure enough, after waiting a while, a very old man using a cane, hobbles his way to the wall. After watching him prey for best part of an hour, the reporter approaches him and says,

" Hi I'm from CNN; we have heard you have preyed at the wall for over sixty years "

" Yes", said the old man " It is true ".

" May I ask what you prey for ? " said the reporter.

" I prey for world peace, I prey that there will be understanding between all religions. I prey that our children will grow up free in a society which respects the rights of all, regardless of race colour or creed !! "

" Wow " said the reporter. " And how do you feel after sixty years ? "

"I fell Like I'm talking to a fuc_king brick wall ".................................

Very, very funny...

GAY BABY

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

One dozen babies are in the ward eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day,

he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the

seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

''Well, it's quite simple, really,'' says the seller, ''whenever the bike is outside and

it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.''

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,

they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, ''I have to tell you something about my family before we go in; when we

eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.''

''No problem,'' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides

to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her

right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over

the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike,

so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

''Hey, no problem, I'll do the f..kin' dishes!''

Body Statistics, F. Y. I.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's

license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

scroll down....

scroll down.......

enjoy!

'Because you got an F in Sex.'

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's

license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

scroll down....

scroll down.......

enjoy!

'Because you got an F in Sex.'

Oldie, but love it.

No Speak English

A Thai woman married a British gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Blighty by the Sea. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes !

How to say 'I love you' in 10 languages just in case you need to know someday!!!!

English - I Love You

Spanish - te amo

French - Je T'aime

German - lch Liebe Dich

Japanese - Ai <deleted> Imasu

Thai - Phom rak khun (mak mak !)

Italian - Ti amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Ni

Swedish - Jag Alskar

Australia, New Zealand, Wales, Scotland, Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina.

Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky,

and parts of Florida:

Nice Ass , Get in the truck

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains

without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last

breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the

sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what

looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have

three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to

trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks

like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever

seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with

rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Little Joe

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joe told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself

with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike !'

(Funny part is, after 5 years in Afghanistan, most of these seems pretty true !)

For those of you who were in the military, you will get a good laugh. For those of you who were civilians, most of this is true!

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a .4.

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.

(Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust Speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

5. Leave signs on the beach reminding Marines to duck when they hear Bang.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.

6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"

5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.

6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy the Marines. Go Navy !

And the next... You've got to love the military,

All: U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in t he Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' [show burning minarets or artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [both English and Arabic versions]

5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Arabic versions, some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'

2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour

when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,

gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare

as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'

'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my

dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,

and then you show up and drink the poison !

The Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely fcuker is reading jokes...

- You hang in there sunshine ! You are special !

----- Subject: Willie Nelson

Whether or not you are a country music fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker,

and highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that

famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

'I have outlived my dick.'

(guess he hasn't been to Thailand. My 76 y.o. dad recently discovered he still had one, and it worked !)

Some interesting photos from Mars (including one NASA doesn't want you to see !)

The train was quite crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold

blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm

them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My

hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will

warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm

it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother

again, and she says to her

Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies:

They make one hel_l of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

Not bad

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold

blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm

them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My

hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will

warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm

it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother

again, and she says to her

Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies:

They make one hel_l of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

LIKE IT

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time."

She replied. "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time."

She replied. "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

Oh, I heard a slightly worse version of this. The punch-line was: "you have a bigger dick than your dad!"

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?".

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States."

St. Peter replies,"The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"

To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."

Ooooh, I love a current one!

A guy goes to Barking Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the armed services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, whydon't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our <deleted>, not really any point in you coming in for that.'

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became

aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to

come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the

second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind

to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing

behind her picked her up easily by the waist

and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the

would-be Samaritan and yelled,

'How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,

'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,

I kinda figured we was friends.'

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,

Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man

should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

' Good morning , Ma'am', he said,'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been

expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you

know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the

living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry

and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In

and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good

look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to

pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and

we can get to work right a way.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too

big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

i haven't laughed out loud like this from reading a joke on the internet. good one

IRISH ONE LINERS

----------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

-----------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

-----------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hel_l are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the <deleted> dark! ' says Murphy.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole <deleted> bed by the looks of it!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'

-------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hel_l with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

--------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

-------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'What's his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the <deleted> out of you if I could swim!'