Pooh has been a lifelong favourite of mine, but I seem to have missed that one

/ Priceless

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fukc off you kunt!"

Very funny Bill!

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow but fukc me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' says the camel, I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’

He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale

has hit Pakistan.

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countris are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.

A middle-aged Irish mother of six visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'<deleted> jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

An immigrant in our street doused himself in petrol and set fire to himself... we're having a collection for his family..... so far we got 80 litres

brought a new deodorant today.. Instructions said "take off top & push up bottom".... Still in casualty, will call you later!!!

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Just for those who don't know:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMn9mxHAilk

Always struck me as a handy way to use up all the dregs of assorted fruit juices (didn't like it, way too sweet)

And then I came across this, the funniest Catchphrase ever!

Some very funny jokes there folks.

This one is even better, a pair of wanke_rs...

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’

She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’

He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fukc off.’

Perhaps they should re-write the copy for this advert....

How to stop church gossip ...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being

an alcoholic when she saw his old pickup truck parked at the towns only bar

one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that

everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few

words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He

didn't explain, defend, or deny.. .... He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's

house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love Frank.

I read recently that Sir Alex Furguson regularly receives two turds through the post every week. What I want to know is, who is sending the other one.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

-

-

-

-

Don't look down.

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu!

Interesting - I never knew this...

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add a few more letters, it spells out: 'F*&^ off and go home you benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c*&^suckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f*&^ing, mutton eating, smelly rag head bastards with you.'

How weird is that???

It's weird alright!

boater is wondering how long you should be in a relationship before you pop the big question...... ..... can i stick it up your bum love

boater was refused a job the other day, apparently putting gang-bang on your application doesn't qualify as proof of teamwork

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshol_e...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?

"Yes, Father it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Olivier?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Prejean?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?"

"Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..."