When Farrah Fawcett died and arrived at heaven's door, God granted her one wish:

"I wish that all the little children will be safe in this world," she said.

So God gave Wacko Jacko a heart attack.

What's the difference between Manchester United and Mickey Jackson

United wiil play Giggs next year,,,,,,,,,

I do like topical up-to-the-minute jokes!

Non PC ok, really, really non PC but I did smile.

Q. What's a cocoon?

A. A b black guy

You were warned

Non PC ok, really, really non PC but I did smile.

Q. What's a cocoon?

A. A b b b black guy

You were warned

Can you ban yourself?

BTW, you have 2 too many b's.

Did you hear, they lost Michael Jackson on arrival at the hospital...only to find him later in the Children's Ward having a stroke.

maccas are coming out with the Mcjacko burger to commemorate Michael.. It will be made up of 50 year old meat stuck between 2 x 8 year old buns

Michael Jackson died this morning from a heart attack. Authorities state that his body will be melted down into plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change….

the coroner has just stated that he is not sure on the cause of death

it could be blamed on

the sunshine

the moonlight

the good times

or

the boogie

Non PC ok, really, really non PC but I did smile.

Q. What's a cocoon?

A. A b black guy

You were warned

Can you ban yourself?

BTW, you have 2 too many b's.

It has been done, need to get another mod to un-ban you (so it's smart to know who your friends are)

Fixed the bees

They are quick!!!!!

Keep reading down.

What about these ones.

"Conformation just came through that Michael Jackson died of food

poisoning apparently he ate some 12yr old nuts"

"Michael Jackson died picking his nose. Doctors said they didnt blame it

on the sunshine or the moonlight. They blamed it on the boogie"

Michael Jackson left it in his will that he wants to be melted

down and turned into a play station so all the little kids will still

play with him

Michael Jackson has died in hospital and nurses don't know what

to do with the body because plastic recycle day is not until next

week.

It seems the death of Kill Bill star David Carradine was the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation. To honor David Carradine the government of Thailand is officially changing its nation's capital to Hangkok.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes.

Young Mohammed started at a new school.

"And what is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"Here we are in Australia and you want to be called Mohammed!", said the teacher. "Forget it kid, from now on your name will be Bruce."

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.

"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed any more. I am in Australia now and my name is Bruce," the kid replied.

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat the boy savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you, little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, only a few hours after becoming Australian, I was brutally attacked by two fcukin' Arabs!!!..."

Oooh, a bit too close to the bone!

Oooh, a bit too close to the bone!

Not sure they hit him that hard Tiggs ?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that.

The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door

got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'

and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!'

Paddy Strikes Again...

When Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts,

He said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

Paddy Strikes Again...

When Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts,

He said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

KFC have announced their new Trailor Park Pack, by the time you have had a piece of breast and a bit of leg you are left with a greasy box to stick your bone.

CB

You two. First joke that made me laugh out loud for quite a while.

A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Regards.

Kind of brings a tear to your eye…

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

A man is digging hole in the back yard when the neighbor looks over the fence and asks him what he is doing.

"I'm burying my budgie." he replies.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but isn't that is a big hole for a budgie?" says the neighbor.

"Well it should be about right, he is inside your cat."

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,

the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt.....

I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

A few years ago I was sitting on a crowded bus, when a young lady got on and turned to me and said "Aren't you going to give a pregnant lady a seat then?"

As she didn't appear to be heavy with child I asked, "How long have you been pregnant"

"About 2 hours and I'm exhausted" she replied.

Silly me for asking.........

The Alzheimer's Protest Chant.

"What do we want?"

"<deleted> knows"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

A woman is looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dam_n near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....