In a similar vein......hehe

A white guy was at the urinal in a pub.

Standing beside him was a big black guy.

The white guy looks over and down, and says, "Why is it that black guys have such long penises?"

The black guy, thinking to have a bit of fun, replies, "We're not born this way, we make them big."

"How, please tell me." says Whitey.

Just soake it in beans, mate.

Whitey meets Black guy a cupla months later and asks, "I have been soaking my pecker in beans, nuffin happens."

Black guy says, "Bet ya using wrong beans, ya needs lotsa 'Hooman beans', man".

Another....

Bill Clinton and George Bush are at an exPresidents function and both have a little too much to drink.

Bush heads for the bathroom to find Bill already at the urinal. As he unzips he looks down and lets out a cry of astonishment.

"Wow, Bill, that's a monster, I wish I was hung like that!"

Clinton says "Ït's ëasy done George, all you have to do is bang it on the bedpost three times each night before you go to sleep".

Bush can hardly wait to get home, undresses and approaches the bed without turning the light on and gives his organ three mighty whacks on the bed post".

Mrs Bush immediately wakes up and says....

"What are you doing here Bill? I told you not tonight, George is due home any minute".

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.

well done boater!

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.

Best one for a long time

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.

That reminds me of a true story. My first ex wife was an Aussie. A Canadian lady friend came over for a visit to Australia. She was enjoying the good life and had put on a few pounds in the month she was there. In a fairly loud voice at dinner with Australian friends she annouced... "Since I've been here my fanny has grown by two inches."

There was a pregnant silence and one of the Aussie ladies had to take the Canadian girl aside and told her what she had just implied. In Canada the "fanny" is a person's backside. In Australia it is the woman's private parts. Everyone had a good hoot over the comment while the Canuck lady turned red.

Don't worry, things are changing.

The Australian dialect is rapidly becoming Americanised.

Ya don't say?

Just when you thought you knew all the text abbreviations possible these come along...

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and my favourite for those of you who really want to tell it too

(_x_) KISS MY ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWS BULLETIN:

LABOUR IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN!

WHY?...

WELL, PRIMARILY BECAUSE IT’S WHITE AND IT WORKS.

According to the tape recovered from the cockpit voice recorder, Ethiopian Airlines flight 409 went into a sudden nose dive when the sound of a crisp packet opening was heard in the pilot's cabin

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.

'Y'know' said the Scot, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.'

'Well' said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there, will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.'

'Ahhh that's nothing' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'No, not me personally,' said the Irishman - but it did happen to me sister.'

Speaking of getting a drink then going upstairs.....

A chap walks into a pub and starts drinking at the bar. He notices a gorgeous woman come in, walk up to a hideous looking dwarf, whisper in his ear, the dwarf nods, and the woman comes to the bar and buys a tripple shot of the best top-shelf whiskey, which she takes back for the dwarf.

Once the shot has been downed by the dwarf, he and the lady depart upstairs.

They are back 15 minutes later, and the woman departs.

This scene is repeated several times, each time a beautiful woman comes in, whispers to the dwarf, buys him an expensive drink, then disappears upstairs with him.

The chap was intrigued, so he asked the barman what it was all about.

The barman said he did not know, but that whatever was going on was a suprise to him too because the dwarf also had a speech impediment, on top of being hideous, and was hardly intelligible.

He added, "All I know is that his impediment has something to do with the fact that he has a 15 inch tongue."

How do you know when elephants have been <deleted>$king in your garage??????

some of your plastic trash bags are missing...............

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."

While walking through the woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hel_l happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day".

A man was walking down the street..one foot on the curb one foot on the street ….one foot

on the curb one foot on the street….an officer spotted him and pulled alongside him and

said Sir I think you have been drinking…in fact I think you are drunk….The man said oh thank

God officer…..for a minute I thought I was handicapped….

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop',.......

...........unless they are used together.

The Infernal Revenue Service decides to audit Grandpa. They summon him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money, gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' asks Grandpa. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with old people!!

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees

if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five

degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half

with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.

Didn't see that one coming - if you'll pardon the expression!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

What do you call an African accountant?

Blackadder

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'

Manager walks up to a woman in B&Q

" will you take a screw for that mirror madam " ?

" No but I'll give you a blow job for a vacumn cleaner "

A Zebra Dies...

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked,

"God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes.

God would have said, "You is what you is."

Very, very good indeed!

"FATHER OF THE YEAR"

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

'

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAfuc_kA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..