Confucius say,

"If you are in a book store and cannot find

the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....

There is a character missing at the end: Wong <deleted> Hing Book (where is the character for store?).

Gee, and I don't even know Cantonese, only some Mandarin. Of course "Wang Foo Shin Shu (Tien)" would not be funny, especially with Tien missing, that's why I put it in parenthesis.

Am I breaking some rules for this forum yet?

Yes.

My wife went mental when she found a sex tape of me with a young, fit , sexy Thai Hooker in the wardrobe.

Her mood didn't really improve when I pointed out the tape was of her from ten years ago before she had kids and let herself go either

Go to Google translate

English --> Chinese ( traditional )

Type: fuc_k that pussy good!

Translate

Copy, paste and then translate back into English

Don't ask how much free time I have

How on earth does " fuc-k that pussy good " translate to " don't ask how much free time I have "...................Google's useless

- it dosnt translate to ' don't ask how much free time I have ' , that was just at the end of the email i received this morning ....

but i did translate it .......

type in the above and hit the "listen" button (without the hyphen)

funniest thing you've heard in ages (ounds like a B grade porn producer)

My wife went mental when she found a sex tape of me with a young, fit , sexy Thai Hooker in the wardrobe.

Her mood didn't really improve when I pointed out the tape was of her from ten years ago before she had kids and let herself go either

:lol:

I hadn't heard that one before.

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

BT :jap:

NOT REALLY SHORT, but LOTSA NEW ONES.

Well for me anywayzzzz

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite -

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!

So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.

What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.

That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes..

I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.

"<deleted>!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and fuc_ked off.

..................

Just had an African come up and try to get me to sign a charity sheet - when I said no he started to cry...

...what an emotional black male.

...................

Dyslexia is not remotely fanny.

......................

I judge black people everyday, but I'm not racist...

That's just life when you're actually a Judge.

......................

A once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I get an urgent call from the wife saying her mum's been hit by a bus and only hours to live.

15 minutes later I'm at the hospital and the wife's hugging me, "Thankyou darling, I'm so sorry you'll miss your football"

"Don't worry love I wouldn't miss this, I'm taping it and I'll watch it later"

God knows why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.

...............

Just saw a facebook group saying:

"Your car is Japanese. Your beer is German. Your wine is Spanish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Colombian. Your tea is Chinese. Your watch is Swiss. Your fashion is French. Your shirt is Indian. Your shoes are Thai. Your radio is Korean. Your vodka is Russian. And then you complain your neighbor is an immigrant?"

It's probably because i can't drive, drink or wear an immigrant.

.........................................

Don't understand that one.

And why is that woman barefoot?

I went to the library yesterday and asked for a book on Ricky Ponting...

The librarian told me it was already out.

Dear God,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body… please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

I set up a secret camera in the bedroom to catch my girlfriend using her dildo but was surprised to see the dildo came with a full size man.

A Mexican, an Arab,and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim!),

throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make

glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Yorkshire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling

for a refill,

She says, 'In Yorkshire, we have so many illegal immigrants that

we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Yorkshire !!

:jap:

Dunno if this has been around before, love it.

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information? But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Don't understand that one.

And why is that woman barefoot?

And why is the man holding his private parts?

There is something they are not telling us...

Following my joke last month about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of thaivisa that followed it, I would like to make the following statement:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

Best little Johnny joke I have heard yet?

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.

They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ....... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his *rse!"

Put out my Aussie flag for Australia Day but I wasn't too sure if it would offend Muslims...

So I wrote 'Allah is a <deleted>' on it just to make sure.

Put out my Aussie flag for Australia Day but I wasn't too sure if it would offend Muslims...

So I wrote 'Allah is a <deleted>' on it just to make sure.

...... the muslims WERE offended

Put out my Aussie flag for Australia Day but I wasn't too sure if it would offend Muslims...

So I wrote 'Allah is a <deleted>' on it just to make sure.

...... the muslims WERE offended

Only those who can read.

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

I miss a nice pork sausage. All we get here are the German wursts.

Havin a smoke outside pub last night this fuc_ker in a wheel chair said "why do you smoke when you don't have to?"

I looked at him and asked "why the fuc_k are you wearing shoes?"

.....................

A bishop has found the image of Christ in margarine.

When asked for his comments, the Dali Lama said; "I can't believe it's not Buddha"...

.................

I went in to complain about the level of education at my son's school.

I said to the teacher, "I am appalled by your latest Ofsted report and now you insist my son visits a chocolate factory? What can this possibly teach him?"

The teacher replied, "Firstly we are working hard to correct all issues that the Ofsted report has shown and secondly Mr Phillips, I won't tell you again, it is not called a chocolate factory, it's a mosque"

Doh!

Boater beat me to the edit!

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

I miss a nice pork sausage. All we get here are the German wursts.

What's wrong with that, I wonder.

Vocabulary:

English = sausage

German = Wurst

Culture: German sausage/wurst = Best in the world. Can be made from pork, beef, or horse (yes). Probably some other meats, but I'm not a sausager, erm butcher.

My point is: I don't think you can get any better sausages than German wurst. And there are some companies around in Bangkok that make good ones.

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

I miss a nice pork sausage. All we get here are the German wursts.

What's wrong with that, I wonder.

Vocabulary:

English = sausage

German = Wurst

Culture: German sausage/wurst = Best in the world. Can be made from pork, beef, or horse (yes). Probably some other meats, but I'm not a sausager, erm butcher.

My point is: I don't think you can get any better sausages than German wurst. And there are some companies around in Bangkok that make good ones.

yes you can - English Sausages

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

I miss a nice pork sausage. All we get here are the German wursts.

What's wrong with that, I wonder.

Vocabulary:

English = sausage

German = Wurst

Culture: German sausage/wurst = Best in the world. Can be made from pork, beef, or horse (yes). Probably some other meats, but I'm not a sausager, erm butcher.

My point is: I don't think you can get any better sausages than German wurst. And there are some companies around in Bangkok that make good ones.

yes you can - English Sausages

It's a whole different food to them thar wursts.

Juicy, tasty, not chewy, excellent with mash & onions, dip-in-yer-egg scrumptious, many flavours, made of pork (not donkey), from Lincolnshire to Cumberland to the West Country - so many varieties.

Ahhhhh - Ode to the Nossidge.