ONE MORE TIME: "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!"

Some poet laureate material here...

Lewinsky and Kaczynski

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed

verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'

On this flute made of beef

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski must surely have known,

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown.

BT

Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3.. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

What about this one?

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual; then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

----Gunnery Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a German, a Finn, a Pole, a Hungarian, a Latvian, an Australian, an American, a Ugandan, a Zimbabwean, a Japanese, a Russian and a Spaniard all go to a nightclub.

Bouncer stops them at the door and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a German, a Finn, a Pole, a Hungarian, a Latvian, an Australian, an American, a Ugandan, a Zimbabwean, a Japanese, a Russian and a Spaniard all go to a nightclub.

Bouncer stops them at the door and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

Tee hee.................dat was silly..........but funny.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a German, a Finn, a Pole, a Hungarian, a Latvian, an Australian, an American, a Ugandan, a Zimbabwean, a Japanese, a Russian and a Spaniard all go to a nightclub.

Bouncer stops them at the door and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

I noticed you didn't include a Canadian. That is because we are so proper and we always have Thais.

No, it is because Canadians are held in such disdain that they just wouldn't be let in, with or without a Thai. Can't lower standards too far, you know.

No, it is because Canadians are held in such disdain that they just wouldn't be let in, with or without a Thai. Can't lower standards too far, you know.

That hurts. It really, really hurts. I think I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk for a while.

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths In 2017

What language will you need the question in?

Not short, but well in line with the mood of the day.

(By the way, is the truth really ever funny?)

These are actual comments made by Police Officers.

The comments were taken off actual police car

videos around the country:

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went

through."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you

wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a

worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write

anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.

Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again

or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on

rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

( National Crime Information Center )

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed

to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.

So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't..

Sign here."

BT :jap:

QUIZ :

ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...

NOT IN THE EMAIL YOU IDIOT!

.............I worry about you sometimes.......!

Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea, where 'Jack Russell Howard' is expected to be the favourite.

With Rihanna setting the new craze of dying your hair red, it has almost made being ginger cool.

How long will it be before being black is acceptable?

I was shocked to see the pictures of the New Zealand earthquake on TV today.

They are white and speak English so I'm surprised the BBC gave a fuc_k

OKAY OKAY - WHO CHANGED MY AVATOR

BT

As the Queen Mary clears Sydney Harbour, two passengers of mature years find themselves sitting on the foredeck, sunning themselves as the endless parade of beautiful people promenades past. Though strangers, they get to talking.

"Ah," one sighs in a Scottish brogue. "This is the life. We've scrimped and saved for years to escape from drudgery and enjoy this luxury. It's our first ever cruise. What about you?"

"Is it our sixth? Or maybe our seventh? I'm not altogether sure," the other woman replies.

"Goodness gracious," responds the maiden voyager. "How ever could you afford all those? You'd have to be millionaires."

"Not at all," says the well-travelled one. "It's just that my husband works for Cunard."

"Well!" says the first one, in a burst of high dudgeon. “My husband works fookin' hard too, but this is the first cruise we could afford."

After having both suffered from depression for a while, me and the wife decided we were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a hell of a lot better, so I thought ‘fuc_k it... soldier on’.

I have finally figured out why the Mrs is so fat. The shampoo she uses in the shower, that runs down her body clearly says, "for extra volume and body." I'm going to recommend she uses dishwashing soap instead, it says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

..............................

My wife applied to go on 'How to Look Good Naked'.

She got a letter back from Channel 4 saying, she wasn't a suitable candidate, but had she considered 'Scrapheap Challenge'?

..............................

I was trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion.

So I bought her a car.

ZEN TEACHINGS

01.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

02. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

03. No one is listening until you fart.

04. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

05. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

06. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

07. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

08. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

09. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience...and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

BT :jap:

First bit been round before, second bit reminds me of the Septic cop

and his 'can rifle' for shooting cans - Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peuto

Ri-cans...

The paraplegic olympics are being held in london next year, and in

order to help visitors the organisers are publishing a leaflet

containing cockney rhyming slang for the disabled.

Here

is a small selection.

bacon rind = blind. canary wharf = dwarf. cardinal wolsley = cerebal

palsy. raspberry ripple = cripple.? wasps and bees = amputees. rubber

and plastic = spastic. tulips and roses = multiple sclerosis. diet

pepsi = epilepsy. benny and the fuc_king jets = tourettes.

Just had a warning from the Police about keys. There are 4 keys in

circulation that can open 87% of cars & 99% of houses. This is not a

joke!! So keep an eye for the following 4 keys: Dar-keys, Pak-keys,

Pie-keys and Jun-keys. This txt is circulated as part of the Police

Crime Prevention Programme...

First bit been round before, second bit reminds me of the Septic cop

and his 'can rifle' for shooting cans - Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peuto

Ri-cans...

The paraplegic olympics are being held in london next year, and in

order to help visitors the organisers are publishing a leaflet

containing cockney rhyming slang for the disabled.

Here

is a small selection.

bacon rind = blind. canary wharf = dwarf. cardinal wolsley = cerebal

palsy. raspberry ripple = cripple.? wasps and bees = amputees. rubber

and plastic = spastic. tulips and roses = multiple sclerosis. diet

pepsi = epilepsy. benny and the fuc_king jets = tourettes.

Just had a warning from the Police about keys. There are 4 keys in

circulation that can open 87% of cars & 99% of houses. This is not a

joke!! So keep an eye for the following 4 keys: Dar-keys, Pak-keys,

Pie-keys and Jun-keys. This txt is circulated as part of the Police

Crime Prevention Programme...

We get alot of that rhyming slang here at ThaiVisa, but I have to say i don't find it the least bit clever. Is it something like Ebonics?

We get alot of that rhyming slang here at ThaiVisa, but I have to say i don't find it the least bit clever. Is it something like Ebonics?

Steady on me old china, you've got it all Pete Tong. Use ya loaf, open your mince pies and have a proper butchers on the sportsmans.

We get alot of that rhyming slang here at ThaiVisa, but I have to say i don't find it the least bit clever. Is it something like Ebonics?

Steady on me old china, you've got it all Pete Tong. Use ya loaf, open your mince pies and have a proper butchers on the sportsmans.

He may 'ave just got back from dahn the frog and toad visiting the rub-adub-dub.

We get alot of that rhyming slang here at ThaiVisa, but I have to say i don't find it the least bit clever. Is it something like Ebonics?

Steady on me old china, you've got it all Pete Tong. Use ya loaf, open your mince pies and have a proper butchers on the sportsmans.

He may 'ave just got back from dahn the frog and toad visiting the rub-adub-dub.

'E wouldn't 've bin 'visiting' the rub-a-dub, 'e'd 've bin bendin 'is elbow, popped art fer a tic, gone fer a wet or similar.

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it".

"I don't know what you mean. Sit down luv and let's talk about it".

That's when I pulled her chair away.

The recession is hitting everybody. . . .

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of

pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call

them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they

re-possessed her!

A truckload of Zimbabweans was caught sneaking back into Zimbabwe .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh

Great!

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by

the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,

my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the

Suicide Hotline.

I got a call center in Pakinstan, and when I told

them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive

a truck.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

It's lent tomorrow

I hate Chinese landlords

To white people it's copyright infringement, to black people it's a remix.

........................

My Dad sat me down today to give me 'the talk'...

He said "First of all, you've gotta make sure it's nice and clean. Give it a quick rub, and you're almost ready to go!... Don't force it in, mind. You might damage something. Make sure it's turned on first and it will slide straight in. Then son, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy your night!"

"... Dad, for fuc_k sake. I know how to work a DVD Player".

....................

The other night I pulled a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to mine for a shag. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated saying:

"I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost."

"Not to worry", I said as I slipped it in, "I don't count the fat ones."

...............................

I was watching one of them comic relief appeals just now and I was appalled. Thousands of poor, black people with nought but rags for clothes and no job to make them any money.

Does anyone know what country this 'Birmingham' is in?

and finally

You can tell that it's Shrove Tuesday today.

all i have is crepe joke's to tell.

.

Amazing photos show great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.