Department of Homeland Security Statistics

Statistics on Airport screening from Last Year

The Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered………. 0

Transvestites…………………… 133

Hernias………………………...1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases ……………3,172

Enlarged Prostates ……………8,249

Breast Implants ………………59,350

Natural Blondes…………..………..3

I'd been having an affair with my secretary for a while and often suggested we try a little bondage.

I was late this morning and as I walked into my office, I found my secretary, bound and gagged and bent over the desk.

"You little minx," I said, dropping my trousers.

"Your muffled moans are such a turn on," I said, panting heavily, "but I'm still going to have to tell you off, for leaving the safe wide open."

What's red and orange and would look good on Katie Price?

Fire

The British nation is about to be treated to a naked version of "Big Brother"

Has to be a joke right ???? ( the country that is )

The British nation is about to be treated to a naked version of "Big Brother"

Has to be a joke right ???? ( the country that is )

Must be the next horror show.

World surfing championships were nearly cancelled this weekend, but still went ahead. However controversy reigned when out of nowhere the winner emerged. Championship taken by a small Japanese bloke on a sideboard................

........and we haven't even waited for the aftershocks to stop. Still, it is a non-pc thread.

I have a friend in Japan actually so I called him to see how he is. I was quite surprised at him to be honest. I thought he'd be more upset, but instead he seemed really excited about some big rave.

Gottfried shares his love:

"Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them."

"What do the japanese have in common with @howardstern? They're both radio active."

"Japan had put out this urgent plea...." PLEASE SEND US A FEW BIlLION RUBBER DUCKIES!!!!!"

"Japan called me. They said "maybe those jokes are a hit in the US, but over here, they're all sinking."

"I ****ed a girl in japan. She screamed "I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet."

"My book #rubberBallsAndLiquor was released in japan. It's making quite a splash."

"What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights."

"I asked a girl in Japan to have sex with me. She said "okay, but you'll have to sleep in the wet spot.""

"What do Japanese Jews like to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami."

"I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said "is there a school in this area." She said "not now, but just wait.""

"My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day."

"I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, "They'll be another one floating by any minute now.""

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated

him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the

first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have

to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10

million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The

lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are

talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's

temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,

buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer

replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Sky News - "Japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country..."

Maybe Britain needs an earthquake...

Wonderfully described definitions.........

CIGARETTE:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:

It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:

An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer

to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CLASSIC:

A book which people praise, but never read

SMILE:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

YAWN:

The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

EXPERIENCE:

The name men give to their Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPTIMIST:

A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:

A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

FATHER:

A banker provided by nature

BOSS:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

POLITICIAN:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence later

DOCTOR:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

"Its not WHAT you have in life, it is WHOM.

Sky News - "Japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country..."

Maybe Britain needs an earthquake...

That would be funny if it wasn't so true.

Sky News - "Japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country..."

Maybe Britain needs an earthquake...

That would be funny if it wasn't so true.

Britain would fall apart.

That would be a major disaster, history falling down.

A Jew & Arab in Business...

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders Fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab, please tell me what he does with all these Black bras.

The Arab answers: 'I cut them in half and sell the halves as, Kippahs, skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Classroom control

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart alek punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A Jew & Arab in Business...

An Arab doctor was in the habit of keeping circumcised foreskins in a large jar of formaldehyde. After a few years, the jar became full, so he took the jar to a Jewish taxidermist and asked him to tan all the skins, sew them together and make something out of them.

A month later the Arab returned to the taxidermist to get his leathergoods.

The Jew proudly handed over a beautifully crafted wallet.

"What's this?" says the Arab, "I gave you so much skin and all you give me is this little wallet!"

"Ahhhh!" Says the Jew, wagging his finger, "You just rub it a few times and you have a suitcase!".

A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

BT :jap:

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?

Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

..................

It's nice to see that, with the money he's saved up,

David Cameron has treated himself to a war.

...............

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."

I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?

Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

..................

It's nice to see that, with the money he's saved up,

David Cameron has treated himself to a war.

...............

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."

I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Pretty good.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in

Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

Pelosi gives her speech but the crowd remains silent. She returns to sit

next to the Pope and tells him that this is a tough crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you

know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in

this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display,

but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this

day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that with one

little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her in the face!!!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well...,

you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the dam_n tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then

nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare

...............

If you see 'Made in England' written on a product you know that it is going to work.

Ironically, if you see a person with 'Made in England' tattooed on them it's completely the opposite.

...................

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare

...............

If you see 'Made in England' written on a product you know that it is going to work.

Ironically, if you see a person with 'Made in England' tattooed on them it's completely the opposite.

...................

Now dats funny.............

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to Religion I was soon able to come to terms with it.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the cheating bitch in the morning.

...........................

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

............................

Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 40 virgins.

Well at least we know he isn't hiding in Pattaya

Irish Math Test You may have read before - but I laughed

> > ?

> > An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but

> > the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple

> > math test.

> > Here is your first question, the foreman said.?

> > "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

> > "Without numbers?"? The Irishman says, "Dat

> > is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.

> > ?

> > "What's this?" the boss asked.

> > "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make

> > nine," said the Irishman.

> > "Fair enough," said the boss.? "Here's

> > your second question.? Use the same rules, but this time the

> > number is 99."

> > The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up

> > the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each

> > tree. "Ere you go."

> >

> > The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do

> > you get that to represent 99?"

> > "Each of da trees is dirty now.? So, it's dirty

> > tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.? Dat is 99."

> > The boss was getting worried that he's going to

> > actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All

> > right, last question.? Same rules again, but represent the

> > number 100."

> > The? Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked

> > up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of

> > each tree and says, "Ere you go.? One hundred."

> >

> > The boss looked at the attempt.? "You must be nuts if

> > you think that represents a hundred!"

> > The? Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at

> > the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came

> > along and crapped by each tree.

> > So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a

> > turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one

> > hundred."

> >

> >

> > "So, when do I start?"?

Bought my wife some perfume for her birthday "Eau de Tourette".

It focking stinks.

----------------------------------

Found out last night that I'm both gay and dyslexic.

I'm still in daniel.

US President stated today that when NATO captures Gaddafi he will be moved to a place where he can do no harm

A spokesman for the Libyan leader said............ " He has no intention now or in the future to play as a striker for West Bromwich Albion..........."

US President stated today that when NATO captures Gaddafi he will be moved to a place where he can do no harm

A spokesman for the Libyan leader said............ " He has no intention now or in the future to play as a striker for West Bromwich Albion..........."

Well, I appreciate the humour in "When NATO captures Gaddafi ..." (not in a million years)

But the WBA bit is rather low, isn't it? Almost as low as their end of season position.

(West Ham will of course repeat their 'Great Escape' for the umpteenth time)

Today I got up and did my normal routine, Shit, Shower and shave.

April Fools........I'm Muslim.

.................................

I was on the train today when some paki stood up and screamed "ALAHU AKHBAR!" before pressing down on some device and squeezing his eyes shut, but fuc_k all happened. He slowly opened his eyes again and looked around at all the shocked faces, but I wasn't impressed.

"Try again next year you daft cun_t," I said "it's past 12."

..................................

In today's lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, thirty years on from the disaster.

Judging by the look on her face, 'Woman raped by man with two cocks', wasn't what she was looking for.