Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let people know that they'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass, salads, and walking.

Isaac Newton told his publisher "I like big, huge tits!"

But they couldn't write that, so he reworded it "The greater the size of the masses, the greater the attractive force."

Elton John's gotten really fat lately.
Goodbye normal jeans.

My wife bought me the Karma Sutra for Christmas.
It's put me in a very awkward position.

How can people in front of me at a crowded pub never know what they want to drink when the barman asks them? I just don't get it.
I know what I want 2 hours after I get to work.