What's the difference between Meatloaf and Prince Andrew?
Meatloaf is brown bread.
Prince Andrew is toast.

The guy who invented Chinese Whispers has died.
Pass it on.

My friend is a massive F1 fan.
I prefer Ctrl and Caps Lock.

A bloke rushed into the doctors office “Doctor I think I’m a pack of cards”
”Calm down, go sit in the waiting room and I’ll deal with you later”.

URGENT: looking for a reliable tenants for a beautiful building that has an office on the ground floor and a recently decorated flat above.
Having real issues with this property, last two tenants left before their fixed term ended, police always at the door, current tenants constantly hosts parties (some in lockdown). Had enough.
Can offer a fixed term tenancy of 4 years, anybody interested let me know, rent is negotiable. 

The address is: 10 Downing Street, SW1 London.

If you rearrange the letters of "Postmen", they get very annoyed.

I could have been a boxer, just like my father.
He could have been a boxer too.

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes.
So what makes women think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, looks good with your dress?

Worlds surfing championship in Tonga won by some bloke on a wardrobe.

My email password has been hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Entomology professor; 'A single ant can live to be 29 years old'.

Student; 'What about a married one'?

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4.
Homework: 2+4+2=8.
Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

Two 90 year old men, Graham and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Graham visits him every day. One day Graham says, “ Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour , when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Graham from his death bed and says: “ Graham you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Graham is awakened from a good sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Graham.. Graham..”
“Who is it? Asks Graham sitting up suddenly. “ who is it?
“Graham! It’s me Joe...”
“You're not Joe. Joe just died “ Graham exclaimed.
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe.” Insists the voice.
“ Joe where are you? “ enquired Graham.
“I’m in heaven “, replies Joe. “ I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“ tell me the good news first, “ says Graham.
“The good news,” Joe says, “ is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,too. Better than that, we’re all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and never get tired.”
“Wow! That’s fantastic,” says Graham. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“ You're in the team for Saturday “.

Prince Andrew High School' in Nova Scotia, Canada, has changed its name to distance itself from the disgraced Duke.
It will now be known as 'Jimmy Savile High School For Boys and Girls'.

On 1/17/2022 at 10:30 AM, ballpoint said:

Change.org petition for Putin to invade Ukraine as soon as possible has 2 signatures so far..

In December 2021 Russia initiated so-called. "Strategic Security Dialogue" with the US.
What Russia wants? The proposed document was published by the Russian MFA here on the official website in English:
https://mid.ru/ru/foreign_policy/rso/nato/1790818/?lang=en
Strange, but I can't find the word "Ukraine" here. The US media resources has been screaming "Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine" for a month already... but... I can't find a single word about "Ukraine" in the document.
So "Ukraine" is just an attempt to divert attention from what is actually happening. They are actually discussing reversal of the results of the Cold War (as far as I can see from the official document) and returning to the position of the year 1997.
So while in the US media you can only hear "Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine", in the Russian media you can see news like "Pro-US party 'Yabloko' (foreign agent) filed a lawsuit against the deputy of the Putin`s United Russia party Yevgeny Fedorov because he initiated talks about launching a nuclear strike on the nuclear test site in Nevada as the first answer to the US rejection of 'Treaty between The United States of America and the Russian Federation on security guarantees' . The anti-Putin media resource Echo-MSK also supported the pro-US party 'Yabloko' "
Of course this is the Worst Joke Ever... Haha... Ukraine Ukraine Ukr.....boooom....