The perils of the modern world...

 

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I went into one that had two bogs.
One of the bog doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trollies and sat
down.
Suddenly and without warning, a voice came from the toilet next to me:
"Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied
"Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again,
"So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly,
"Just having a quick sh*t... How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some **** in the crapper next to me answering everything I say.'

A few of yesterday's Valentines messages:

 

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

 

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

 

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was <deleted>.

 

5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.

 

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

 

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

 

8.I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

 

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

 

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Congratulations to Boris Johnson

he’s just managed to finish opening all his Father’s Day cards.

My favourite childhood memory was making mud pies with grandad.

Until my mum found out and hid his urn.

What a morning.  The taxi charged me 1,000 baht just to go to the local laundrette.

He sure took me to the cleaners.

I asked the librarian for a book on constipation

She said ‘It comes out in a week or two’

 

You can't believe everything that scientists tell you.

Those working for NASA have stated that it is possible to live safely and happily on Mars.
Well, I've been eating ten a day and nothing else for the past six months, and I now weigh 31 stone and have been diagnosed with type two diabetes.

I went to the library and asked for a book on spinsters.

‘It’s been left on the shelf’ said the librarian.

Young girl gets a job in a sales office and the smoothie rep asks her to have a drink after work.
They go to a nice country pub and he plies her with strong drink. They end up in the back of the company car going at it like rabbits. After the performance he's pulling his trousers up and says, "If I had known you were a virgin I wouldn't have done that.

She replies, "If I had known you were going to do that I'd have took me bloody tights off!"

Best thing about insomnia?

Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.

  A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.   
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"   
The   doctor  chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept  golf!"   
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?"   
The   green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"  
The group fell silent for a moment.   
The   priest  said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."  
The doctor  said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and  see if there's anything she can do for them."   
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"