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TOP LAUGHS AT THE EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2022

 

 I spent the whole morning building a time machine,

so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back

 

 I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me

and I couldn't get pasta

 

  I sent a fresh food parcel to my first wife.

By FedEx

 

 I used to live hand to mouth.

Do you know what changed my life?

Cutlery

 

 Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon,

it's next-day delivery

 

 My attempts to combine Nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock

 

I hate funerals -

I'm not a mourning person

 

I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days

The best Fringe joke of 2016 was;

 

'My dad suggested I register for a donor card – he's a man after my own heart.' 

I said to the man at the railway booking office, “I would like a return ticket please”.

He asked “Where to?”

I said “Back here of course.”.

Don't you just hate it when you are singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets the words wrong.

If I hadn't misunderstood what the interviewer wanted when she asked to see my testimonials, I might have got that job.

I just had some annoying bloke on my doorstep banging on about the health benefits of eating brown bread.

Bloody Hovis witnesses!

I've just joined the Jehovah's bystanders.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness, but we don't like to get involved.

My grief counsellor died the other day.
But he was so good that I didn't give a damn about it.

The man who invented personalised number plates has passed away.

His funeral takes place on TUE504Y at 11am.

Do you know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's right there in front of you?
Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

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