28 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Should have been a photo of a mattress. Duck down...

20 hours ago, billd766 said:

I break the biscuits in half

I just buy buy smaller biscuits!

20 hours ago, roo860 said:

Would a "Band Aid" help?

21 hours ago, billd766 said:

That is doing things the hard way. As an ex field engineer I break the biscuits in half at my desk and dunk them. The alternative is a wider mug. That is what experienced engineers do.

No s*** Sherlock! Do you think there's just a faint possibility that you missed the point of that video? ????  No disrespect...just wondering.....????

Some chuckles to brighten up your day, some were actual advertisements in newspapers:-

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.   
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

 No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.  
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

TEACHER: George Washington not

only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie,

do you know why his father didn't

punish him?

 

LOUIS: Because George still had the

axe in his hand.

 

On 9/21/2022 at 5:56 PM, billd766 said:

That is doing things the hard way. As an ex field engineer I break the biscuits in half at my desk and dunk them. The alternative is a wider mug. That is what experienced engineers do.

All that messing about in the shed, and when he gets back the tea is cold.

Every time I see a Hall of Mirrors I rush inside,

even though it reflects badly on me.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cricket.

To be honest, it’s really knocked me for six.

I checked into a hotel recently; to my surprise, there was a bat and two cricket balls on the bed.

I opened the window and the bat flew out.  Still haven't found the rest of the cricket.

I had a job as a proof reader in the factory where they made M&Ms.

But I got the sack because I threw out all the Ws.

I was shopping in Tesco today and noticed a little old lady following me around. If I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "that's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mum', as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my shopping.
"That comes to £121.85," said the assistant.
"How come so much? I only bought 3 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you would be paying for her things too."

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fekin' candle.

Our Wifi wasn't working last night so me and the Wife chatted for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about three years now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties.
We’ve got different ideas about what the problem is.

She bought me some Viagra.

And I’ve bought her a treadmill ...

 

 

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I was shopping in Tesco today and noticed a little old lady following me around. If I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "that's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mum', as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my shopping.
"That comes to £121.85," said the assistant.
"How come so much? I only bought 3 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you would be paying for her things too."

I never believed in charity! Nor a heaven or an after life ???? ???? 

3 hours ago, Zyxel said:

I guess it's earthquake proof?