27 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Very true !!

 

it is not the fall that's gonna hurt - but the sudden impact/crush/squeal/ooooh when they get crushed

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid doing it for her

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a <deleted> cold.’

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she had invested $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Prince Andrew has decided to take the family to Florida, following the recent allegations.

He is off to Tampa with the kids.

59 minutes ago, tifino said:

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

it is not the fall that's gonna hurt - but the sudden impact/crush/squeal/ooooh when they get crushed

Do you mean:

How to deal with it properly when you almost miss your turn off.

23 minutes ago, overherebc said:

How to deal with it properly when you almost miss your turn off.

now that has gotta be a Worst Jerk moment!

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

You forgot the one that said, "It wasn't me, it was like that when I got here."

20 minutes ago, billd766 said:

You forgot the one that said, "It wasn't me, it was like that when I got here."

I can remember in my young days in the RAF when my mate jumped up to do a safety check on a radio antenna and landed on the ground with it still in his hand. His excuse was "Sorry Chief, it came off in my hand."

1 hour ago, billd766 said:

I can remember in my young days in the RAF when my mate jumped up to do a safety check on a radio antenna and landed on the ground with it still in his hand. His excuse was "Sorry Chief, it came off in my hand."

thereby created the Definition, of a Young whippersnapper

Far too many funny jokes being posted on here !!

Here’s one to remind us of the topic title !!

 

 

Prince Charles has just arrived in Iran.
"Where's the Shah?", he asked.
"Oh, we got rid of the Shah years ago", said his guide.
"Ohh, in that case, one will have a barth.."

 

 

( one shall get ones coat ???? )

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Far too many funny jokes being posted on here !!

Here’s one to remind us of the topic title !!

 

 

Prince Charles has just arrived in Iran.
"Where's the Shah?", he asked.
"Oh, we got rid of the Shah years ago", said his guide.
"Ohh, in that case, one will have a barth.."

 

 

( one shall get ones coat ???? )

OK yaahh

Cancelled wedding 
- Why did you cancel your wedding and bought a car instead ?  
- Because I could not afford both a wife and a car.
- But why did you choose the car? 
- It comes with a 3 year warranty