1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

Yes! 

Make sure your account/card is not frozen before you start!

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Just got back from holiday. No, I don't wish to discuss it.

 

Bummer of a holiday was it?

A married couple on holiday in an Arab country.

 

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

 

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say,

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them,

"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

 

The husband asked the man,

"How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Arab man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

 

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Arab man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed a firm hold of the Arabs thighs.

The shopkeeper then began screaming,

 

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with on the wall.
He asks the bartender, "What sort of animal is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Stuff me! If that's an effin moose (a mice in Scottish dialect) How big are the frigginn cats roon (around) here?"

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Bummer of a holiday was it?

Right pain in the rear end it was.

7 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Right pain in the rear end it was.

At least you got the point(s) of the advert even if they did end up @-rsing about with you!

I take it the ride home was bit painful as well was it?

An 85 year old Scottish couple are killed in a car crash and arrive in heaven! 

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

 

After going through the Pearly Gates St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost.

"It's all free," Peter replied. "We *are* in heaven, after all."

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"

"It's free!" came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

 

"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"

 

"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.

"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as many Fish or  Haggis Suppers, deep fried Mars bars and Pizza or whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"

 

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his tam o' shanter  (bonnet) and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife.

"This is all your fault Agnes!" he screamed! 
"If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

An elderly man rear ends a young guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the young guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man.

“Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

 

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp.

I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says:

 

“For the LAST TIME dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins.”

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36 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with on the wall.
He asks the bartender, "What sort of animal is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Stuff me! If that's an effin moose (a mice in Scottish dialect) How big are the frigginn cats roon (around) here?"

 

 

.

11 minutes ago, oxo1947 said:

.

3 mice debating who is the toughest.

First mouse says "I'm the toughest. I eat the cheese straight off the mouse trap".

Second mouse says

"I'm the toughest I bench press the mouse trap, let it slam down and catch the cheese between my teeth"

3rd mouse takes a long drag of his cig, blows the smoke out, taps the cig like he's the man and says

" Stuff you two I'm off to screw that cat".

16 minutes ago, oxo1947 said:

.

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "Get Stuffed!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling and your address. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. Nobody was going to help anyway you useless lump!

39 minutes ago, Mike Teavee said:

 

 

Lord Rockingham's Xl from the 1950s.

The Male Cycle finally explained

 

 (1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

 

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. 

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. 

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits. 

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6 hours ago, xylophone said:

................
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits. 

Wise decision , here's proof :

Dick Van Dyke

Still going strong at 97

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.

 

So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

 

“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

 

“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.

 

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.

 

The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

 

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”