A Council Tenant in Shortlees contacted Neighbourhood Services yesterday reporting that their next door neighbour was keeping a dairy cow in their back door. 

 

Before reporting any unusual activity to our housing team please double check before you contact the council.

Wife gets a call from the funeral director asking her to come in straight away.

 

When she gets there, she is shown her husband's body which has developed a huge erection.

 

The funeral director explains that they can’t get the lid of the coffin on and it’s the funeral tomorrow.

 

“I’m sure he’d like to be buried with it” said the wife, “so just snap it off and stick it up his backside”.

 

So, the funeral direct does as she wants.

 

Wife leans over to look at hubby and sees and small tear coming from the corner of his eye.

 

“Yes, you bastard, it hurts, doesn’t it?” she said.

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.
Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates.

I learned two things today:
1. Its not easy to pee on a moving train;
2. My ban includes all Hornby stockist shops in the UK.