44 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

 

 

We only had three Yorkshiremen when I were a lad.

 

I can’t believe my deaf best friend and my deaf girlfriend have been having an affair.

To be honest though, I should have seen the signs.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. 2 women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took the 3 of them to a large metal door and handed them a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your spouse sitting in a chair… we need you to kill them’.
The 1st woman said, ’You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my husband.' The agent said, ’Then you’re not the right person for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The 2nd woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, ’I tried, but I can’t kill my husband.' The agent said, ’You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband home.'
Finally, the man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.

‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to kill her with the f-ing chair’.

I’m not very good at crosswords, but I’m not going to get two down about it.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Do your own research!

It's near impossible to get an appointment with my local chiropractor.

I had to bend over backwards to see him.

The wife and I are going to contact her dead Italian uncle.

We’re getting out the Luigiboard.

My German cousin Hans was showing off his new car. I thought it was a bit odd as he had these snakes on the front, but apparently they’re his vindscreen vipers.

Then he showed me a lump of meat he has in the boot. It’s his spare veal.

It was when I saw his sausage skin steering wheel cover though, that things really took a turn for the wurst.

 

      At the Crabbiness Research Institute

 

 

 

“Okay … on the count of three, everybody rattles.”

 

 

 

              Modern art critic

 

 

   

 

“Consider yourself fortunate, Belsky. … As curses go, that sure beats having your descendants strangled in the night by a walking corpse.”