I bumped into William Hill the other day.

What are the odds on that happening?

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training. He asked the coach: “What number shirt am I ?”
The coach said: “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

My friend told me he felt sad because he didn’t know the lyrics to ‘YMCA’.
I said ‘Young man there’s no need to feel down’…

Two blokes are walking their dogs. One has a labrador the other a jack russel. One suggests going for a pint but is worried they wont get in the pub with the dogs
His mate suggests a pub nearby that lets guide dogs in, so they decide to try it by pretending to be blind.
The one with the labrador goes in and orders a pint.

The barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed unless they are guide dogs.

The man says but I’m blind. The barman apologises and gives him a pint.
The second one walks in with his jack russell and the barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed only guide dogs.

He says but I am blind.

The barman says, I’m not being funny mate but guide dogs are usually labradors.
The second man replies, “Why, what have I got?”

I rang the Emergency Incontinence Help Line.

They asked me where I was ringing from.

I said “the waist downwards.”

Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she's done this, so it's probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective's mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?

Why, friends, that's because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.

If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you.

Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

6 hours ago, ravip said:

I love the dark blue Caddilac,

18 hours ago, ravip said:

And again @ravip you post something that jogs my memory.........