Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

????

A man called Simon goes along to one of these talent shows that keep popping up on the telly, and the host notices he's in a wheelchair.
"What happened?" Asks the host.
"I was in a car crash with my uncle. He died and I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs and grafted them onto me. In six months' time I will be able to walk again"
"That's amazing!  Who are you going to be for us tonight then?"
"Well, tonight I'm going to be.......Simon and half uncle!"

"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"
"Not at all," I told her.
"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"
"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that size attached to it."

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" asks the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

 

My wife scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. Her naked body....or the fact she knew where he lived.