It's the Schizophrenia Society Annual Ball tonight.

I'm in two minds whether to go or not.

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air.

Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Three spies, one French, one German and one Italian, are captured by the enemy and taken for interrogation.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and, after 24 hours, they give up and throw him back into the cell.

The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.

The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.”

I bought a chicken to make a sandwich.

 

 

Turns out it just poops all over the floor and doesn't make sandwiches

Ever since I killed my chicken with the lawn mower... all manner of scary, haunting things have happened to me.....

 

 

I may have a poultrygeist.

My email password got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the kids

I Burned My Hawaiian Pizza, in my new oven.

 

 

I should have used Aloha temperature.

“Hey, Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

 

“No. <deleted>, Sherlock.”

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

 

 

I thought, “I don’t have time for this <deleted>.”

Blond Joke

 

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of joke.

 

But they are a solid #2.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" ...

Asked a doctor when will pandemic end?

Doctor answers: How would I know I'm a doctor not a politician!

Saturday morning I get up early, dress quietly, make my lunch, grab the dog and fishing equipment, slip quietly into the garage, hook the boat to the truck, and proceed to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind's blowing 50 mph, so. I pull back into the garage, turn on the radio, and discoverer that the weather will be bad all day.

I go back into the house and slip back into bed.  My wife is turned away from me when I whisper to her, "The weather's terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

I don't know to this day if she was joking, but I stopped fishing.