Doctor: I’m afraid I had to remove your colon.
Me Why?

A woman goes to a tattooist to get a butterfly done on each of her bum cheeks.
The tattooist says to her, ''I don't do butterflies, but I can put bees on there.''
She says ok and gets the tattoos done.
She goes home and shows her husband.
''Who the hell is BoB?'' he asks.

31 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Doctor: I’m afraid I had to remove your colon.
Me Why?

Took a few moments before I got it...

But I am from a backward country never colonized by UK...

 

Sorry only the Brits will get that............

 

 

..

10 hours ago, ballpoint said:

A woman goes to a tattooist to get a butterfly done on each of her bum cheeks.
The tattooist says to her, ''I don't do butterflies, but I can put bees on there.''
She says ok and gets the tattoos done.
She goes home and shows her husband.
''Who the hell is BoB?'' he asks.

True story.

 

I knew - but not in the biblical sense, a young woman who had her boyfriends initials tattooed on both her cheeks.

3 hours ago, faraday said:

True story.

 

I knew - but not in the biblical sense, a young woman who had her boyfriends initials tattooed on both her cheeks.

 

..and when she bent down. WOW! 

 

OK Ok I know but someone had to.

3 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

..and when she bent down. WOW! 

As long as the boyfriend isn't named Michael Manson - that would probably kill the mood for most men; although, probably not for Mike Pence.

 if there were ever a prettier set of plucker pucker lips 

28 minutes ago, tifino said:

 if there were ever a prettier set of plucker pucker lips 

This makes a good match.  Guess who...

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 75 year old woman gave birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet" said the 75 year old mother, "but soon."
Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet" said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No", replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES", she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??."
"BECAUSE...because I forgot where I put it."

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch...

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer.

I'll pop back next year!

As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the check out, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk.
"Is that all you've got?" I asked.

"Yes" she smiled.
"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another lane, I'm going to be <deleted> ages!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a skyscraper.

The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims "Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself off this building!"

The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims "Aye, I've got <deleted> chicken-mayo again. If I have this tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building as well!"

The Irishman opens his lunch and says "I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, I'll join you in jumping off this building!"

So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all, for the purpose of this joke, jump from the sky scraper to their deaths.

A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping.

"If I would have known he didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!" said the Englishman's wife.

The Scotsman's wife nodded "Yes, If I knew he didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different".

The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said "I just don't understand... Paddy made his own sandwiches".