A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said;

 "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

and joyously, 'Bap' has a different meaning elsewhere in the world ???? 

My wife said, "Did you know butterflies only live for one day?"

I said, "That's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly!"

I just bought a Liverpudlian advent calendar in readiness for Christmas.
It comes with a crowbar to open the windows.

It's been a sad morning.  The local ice cream man was found dead on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.  Small stain.

 

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with,

"I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
"Well," Bill replied with sarcasm,

 

 

"how about on your last date?"

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.
"Shelf E," replied the librarian.
"Aye that's the one," said Sean

I invented a rubber sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.
There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience at a conference.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

If you had to buy 3 items to make the cashier uncomfortable, what would they be?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She replied, we ain't planning on eating them.

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. 
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. 
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. 

Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. 
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behaviour. She was sitting up reading and absolutely fuming with rage, but hiding it well,  when he came in. 

She asked him how the party had gone and what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

 

Then thru gritted teeth she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. 

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But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to said he sure as hell had one great time there with some bird he had never met before!"

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?"

"Oh, I'm not working it's those idiots," grumbles the old man.

 

"They misspelled my name!"

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?
Hubby: Yes, I love that very rare trick you once did with your mouth.
Wife: What trick was that?

Hubby: the one where you shut up and go to sleep all night without snoring. 

 

He gets released from hospital next week!
 

A sheriff walked into a bar and said,

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  

He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."

 The bartender said, "What's he wanted for?"

 

 

 "Rustlin'." 
 

A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches. 
"Why don't you get up there and give her one," asked a fellow cat walking by. 
"Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a b*ner?." 
 

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the <deleted> out of my cab!"

Eventually he managed to hitch some lifts to to the airport,  and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that told him to GTF.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.

"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a bl*wjob on the way there?"

The cab driver says, "GT<deleted> out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a bl"wjob on the way there?"
This cab driver also tells him to GT<deleted> out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."

"If I give you an extra 5 bucks could I sit in the front seat, I'll pay extra, just I get frightened in the back seat on my own?

"Ok" says the cabbie. "Get in".
The guy hands the driver $20 and says, "Great let's go but please drive slowly!"

And so the driver leaves with his passenger in the front seat next to him, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out of their windows;

 

as  the passenger in the front smiles back at each driver with a big leery smile on his face and with a thumbs up!