December 6, 20205 yr Popular Post Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.' Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ray. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard..... "Ray, wake up! You've shat the bed!"
December 6, 20205 yr Popular Post A man went to his doctor and received some shocking news. "You have 24 hours to live, no less, no more. I suggest you see to your affairs spend you last hours your family." The man went home and told his wife the news. They hugged and wept and the man said, "Darling, I want to make the most of the time I have left with you. Let's get dressed up and paint the town red. Dinner, wine, a show, come home, drink more wine and make wild love until the wee hours like when we were young." "Well, that's easy for you to say", she replied, "but I have get up in the morning".
December 6, 20205 yr Popular Post Hubby definitely has a death-wish. 130299885_404219454249004_1949496319063605808_n.mp4 "I don't want to know why you can't. I want to know how you can!"
December 7, 20205 yr My ex-wife kept shouting profanities. All the extended family, reckoned she could have Tourette Syndrome, and kept on at me to get her to a Physiatrist. So I made an appointment. Off we went, she goes into his office for ages, when she came out she said the Doctor wants to see you he said to me 'I've had a very long chat with your wife, the good news is she doesn't have Tourette, but it appears you really are a <deleted> and she does want you to <deleted> OFF."
December 7, 20205 yr An old soldier walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this <deleted> church." The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this <deleted> church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in the house of our Lord ." The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the ex matelot, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the ex soldier says. "I just won 5 million quid on the <deleted> lottery and I want to join this <deleted> church to get rid of some of this <deleted> money." "I see," said the Bishop, "and is this <deleted> giving you a hard time?
December 7, 20205 yr Popular Post A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist, Penny, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ, which distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Penny very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but, she warned her, don't taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The big-breasted organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
December 7, 20205 yr Is this the right forum for these? Certainly makes me laugh when queueing for the ferry.
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