A man takes the afternoon off work and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife lying on the bed, naked and out of breath. 
“What’s going on?” he asks. 
“I think I’m having an asthma attack,” she gasps. 
He rushes to the phone to ring for a doctor when his son runs in. 
“Daddy, daddy, Uncle Bill is in the wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on.” 
“What!” shouts the man, and back up the stairs he rushes to find his brother hiding naked in the wardrobe. 

“Why, you bloody prat,” he shouts angrily, “there’s my wife having a severe asthma attack and all you can do is play hide and seek and scare the kids!” 
 

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price. 
“£2,000 sir.” 
“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.” 
“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any antique kitchen table, this piece of furniture has special powers.” 
“Get away! Show me.” 
The assistant went up to the table and said, “How many floors are there in this building?” 
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building. 
The man wasn’t totally convinced. 
“OK, ask it how much money I’ve got in my wallet.” 
The question was asked and the table jumped up and down eleven times. 
“That’s incredible,” said the man. “It’s true, I’ve got two £5
notes and a loose £1 coin. I must have that table.” 
So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the piece of new purchase. 
“It’s very special,” said the man. “Here, I’ll show you.” He thought for a moment and then said, “How much money has my wife got in her bank account?” 
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later. 
“But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?” he said, flabbergasted. 

 

Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor. 
 

2 minutes ago, fangless said:

A man takes the afternoon off work and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife lying on the bed, naked and out of breath. 
“What’s going on?” he asks. 
“I think I’m having an asthma attack,” she gasps. 
He rushes to the phone to ring for a doctor when his son runs in. 
“Daddy, daddy, Uncle Bill is in the wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on.” 
“What!” shouts the man, and back up the stairs he rushes to find his brother hiding naked in the wardrobe. 

“Why, you bloody prat,” he shouts angrily, “there’s my wife having a severe asthma attack and all you can do is play hide and seek and scare the kids!” 
 

 

   They were probably having sex when the husband arrived home earlier than expected and caught them 

Two men were chatting over the garden wall. The first said, 
“You’ll never guess what happened this morning, Tom. My wife was suffering from a hangover, so I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. Because it was cold, I grabbed the first thing I saw to put on which turned out to be her dressing gown. I was just bending over the fridge to get the milk, when the window cleaner walked in, put his hand up me and grabbed my bum. You can imagine the embarrassment when he realised who I was.

 

It is just an astonishing coincidence that his wife has a dressing gown exactly the same. as my wife's” 
 

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price. 
“£2,000 sir.” 
“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.” 
“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any antique kitchen table, this piece of furniture has special powers.” 
“Get away! Show me.” 
The assistant went up to the table and said, “How many floors are there in this building?” 
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building. 
The man wasn’t totally convinced. 
“OK, ask it how much money I’ve got in my wallet.” 
The question was asked and the table jumped up and down eleven times. 
“That’s incredible,” said the man. “It’s true, I’ve got two £5
notes and a loose £1 coin. I must have that table.” 
So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the piece of new purchase. 
“It’s very special,” said the man. “Here, I’ll show you.” He thought for a moment and then said, “How much money has my wife got in her bank account?” 
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later. 
“But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?” he said, flabbergasted. 

 

Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor. 
 

 

   She earnt her money through prostitution ?

Hope this guy likes hospital food !!

 

 

 

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.
He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “£5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what did you expect for £5.00?

 

Lobster?”

 

 

 

 

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

 

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

 

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

 

One day, Bob was at the Zoo checking out the animals. He noticed an Ape staring at him, and mimicking his movements.

So Bob decided to have a little fun, and started to dance a little jig, and sure enough the big ape started dancing.  So then started to scratch his chin.

 

Suddenly the ape went nuts. He pulled apart the bars of his cage, jumped the moat and proceeded to beat the ever-living <deleted> out of Bob.

A few days later, Bob woke up from his coma and found himself in a body cast at a hospital. Soon after his awaking, a zookeeper came in and asked Bob exactly what had happened.

 

"Well, I was scratching my chin..."

"Wait, you were scratching your chin?"

"Yes... why?"

"Well, that explains things- you see, scratching your chin means 'go screw yourself' in Gorilla."

 

Now if you've ever been in a cast, you know how miserable it is. Now imagine being in a full body cast, stuck eating horrible hospital food for six whole months!

 

As I'm sure you can imagine, all Bob could think about was his revenge on that Gorilla. So when he was finally well enough to get out of the hospital, he knew exactly what he was going to do.

His first stop was at a butchers, where he bought a massive  Salami and two butcher knives.

He then went to the Zoo, and went straight to the Gorilla cage, where his old friend was sitting, picking his nose.

 

Bob reached into his bag, and pulled out the knives. He tossed one into the cage. The ape picked up the shiny object, and held it up in the air, just like Bob was.

With his other hand, Bob undid his fly and pulled out the Salami, and held it in his hand in front of his pants. The ape then reached down, and held his penis just like he saw Bob do.

Then with one swift movement, Bob sliced the Salami right in half. Do you know what the ape did?

 

He scratched his chin.

 

two goldfish on the Bar...

 

 

 

 

 Man Cave...

 

 

On 12/1/2020 at 7:52 AM, VocalNeal said:

 

Mr and Mrs Jorgen and their son, Hugh

And straight from 1950s "The Goon Show"

Mr and Mrs Jampton and their son, Hugh

 

Mainly for we Brits!

 

.

.

Paddy and Mick were playing Golf, when Paddy suddenly turns to Mick and says,
"I really need to take a dump".
Mick replies, "Well Paddy, there's a Tree, go behind it and do your stuff."
Paddy looks over at the Tree and comments, "But I don't have any Toilet Paper"..?!?!?
Being a witty fellow, Mick remarks, "You have Five Pounds on you, don't you..???
"Well, use it to wipe your <deleted>"
Reluctantly, Paddy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back, all covered in <deleted>.
Mick looks at him and asks,
"Damn Paddy, what der <deleted> happened to yer..??? Didn't you use the Five Pounds, like I said"..???
"Hell Yes", replies Paddy.
"But have you ever tried to Wipe your <deleted>, with Four Pound Coins and Two 50 Pence Pieces?"

Just in.  A couple of late arrivals, (or should that be departures?), for this year's Darwin awards: