2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I could post a more explanatory picture but i will  get banned forever i do!

Use your imagination.

Three old men in the care home were moaning about the problems that old age brings them. 
“Look at me,” said the 70-year-old. “Every morning I’m woken by a strong urge to have a pee but when I get up and go to the bathroom I have to stand there ages before anything happens.” 
“I wish I had your problems,” said the 80-year-old. “Every morning I go for a job lot but I’m so constipated I end up being there for over 2 hours.” 
“Well, you’re both bloody lucky,” said the 90-year-old. 
“Every morning at 7 o’clock, I have a good tinkle with my winkle and a job lot like an elephant. 

 

The problem is…I don’t wake up until 8.30 covered in ********.” 

 

 

 

It was a series of subtle signs that told Johnny Sharpe he was in a mid-life crisis and about to dive into the male menopause. 
When filling in forms under “age” he put 49? and under sex “only very occasionally”. 
It now took him all night to do what he used to do all night. 
He found it strange, fancying a red Porsche, when he’d never ever driven a pedal car. 
Eventually he went to the doctor and said he felt useless, finished, incompetent and ignored. 
The doctor simply said “Next,” before prescribing that he have an operation to dampen down his ambition and then have some whore-moan replacement therapy at the local brothel. 
 

“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the hospital, “but your wife has suffered severe facial injuries and is in need of some plastic surgery. It will cost £3,000 and we will need to take some skin off your backside.” 
“No problem,” replied the husband, so the operation went ahead and was a great success. 
A couple of weeks later, the man received a telephone call from the plastic surgeon. 
“You’ve given me £500 too much,” he said. 
“Oh no,” he replied,

 

“It is for the great pleasure I get out of seeing my mother-in-law kiss my @rse.” 
 

Jack and his wife were playing a round of golf but on the seventh tee, Jack’s ball landed behind the maintenance shed. 

“Don’t worry,” said his wife, “there’s no need to take a penalty shot, if we open both doors and take out the mowers you can drive straight through.” 

They did as she suggested and he gave the ball a mighty hit. 
Unfortunately he missed the far opening and the ball ricocheted back and hit his wife in the head, killing her instantly. 

 

A couple of days later the widower was playing a round of golf with his friend and to his astonishment, ended up in a similar position. 

“No need to take a penalty shot” said his friend, “Just open the doors at either end of the shed and hit the ball through.” 

“Not bloody likely,” replied the widowed man.

 

“I tried that a couple of days ago and ended up with a double bogey.” 
 

A man had been shipwrecked on a desert island for more than a year when he spotted a boat coming towards him. 
“Hurry up, man,” said the sailor, “Get on board quickly, there’s a tidal wave coming and you’ll be drowned.” 

“No thank you,” said the man. “I have faith in Jesus, he will save me.” 
An hour later, another boat appeared. 
“Come on, don’t be silly, time’s running out, get on board.” 
“No thanks,” said the man again. “I have faith in Jesus, he will save me.” 

Two hours later, the tidal wave could be seen four miles away. 
A third boat arrived and the man was urged to get aboard, but he still refused and within half an hour, the island was covered by the tidal wave and the man drowned. 

A little later, up in heaven, the very wet and drowned man bumped into Jesus. 

“I had such faith in you, but you never came to save me and I drowned. I can’t believe it,” he moaned. 
“You can’t believe it!"

 

"What about me?” said Jesus. “I sent three bloody boats to save you!” 
 

15 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

I'm a jock and I like it

????

31 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Fake news alert!

Jocks never get headless!

 

PS;  I meant "Heedless" but the English spellchecker is pish!

23 minutes ago, overherebc said:

'm a jock and I like it

OK...in case your homesick --I just grabbed those from Sottish Twitter..........

 

 

 

 

 

.

On 12/24/2020 at 1:23 PM, fangless said:

It might resemble a country.

On 12/26/2020 at 5:31 PM, billd766 said:

Nice view                                  of the bridge.

There's a bridge?

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Yorkshireman...

He had a cat flap on his head.

 

I never knew Mugabe was from Yorkshire...

Until I read his name backwards

 

I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about Twerking...

My mate from Yorkshire has been doing it for years. As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills.

 

 

a beautiful painting...

 

 

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.

 

 

 

Try looking in West Yorkshire ????

If you cut off a glow worm's tail,

Would it be delighted?

If you cut the balls off a pig,

would it be disgruntled?

Julius Caesar, the later years...