Most of us have come across the classic sentence with the word 'and' repeated five times, you remember, this one:-

 

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"I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign"

 

Well, whilst researching something else (don't ask), I came across this which has twenty one (count them) consecutive 'ands' and it still makes sense, sort of ...

 

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Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?

 

Scary!!

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school.

His father asks him what they were talking about. "Exodus" he answers. "Oh, and what did you learn?" inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon bridge and Jews cross it. Once across they see Pharaoh approaching. So Moses again picks up the radio and calls in air strike. As Pharaoh and his men are crossing bombers blow the bridge apart and everybody drowns. Jews then continue their journey in peace.

 

"Really? They told you that in Sunday school?" is father sceptical. "Well no" admits Johnny, "but if I tell you what they really told us you'll never believe me!"

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

Feel free to post your own jokes then.

 

Original or coppied from somewhere else? When I find one that is exceptionaly funny OK but not just for the sake of posting something. Oops which is what I just did.

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

 

Anyone know who the player is??

 

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

 

Anyone know who the player is??

 

Kenny Burns

I left a hundred baht note in my jeans pocket before they went in the washing machine.

Now I've been charged with money laundering

My neighbours named their newly born baby "Saturn".

Not my idea of a child's name, but I suppose it does have a ring to it.

4 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I left a hundred baht note in my jeans pocket before they went in the washing machine.

Now I've been charged with money laundering

 

I'm sure when you talk to the judge all this can be ironed out.

If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.
Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

 

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Daddy, where's my booger?"

“Are you happy, darling?” asks the man after six months of marriage. 
“Of course, I’m very happy,” she replies. 
“But there is something that bothers you, isn’t there?” he persists. 
“Well…er…it’s just that you’re always picking your nose and you’re always on top when we make love.” 
“Let me explain,” he says. “When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often,

 

 

‘Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don’t c*ck up.’ ” 
 

Taking a short cut home through the park one night, a spinster was confronted by a mugger. 
“Give me all your money and jewellery,” he demanded. 
“But, I haven’t got anything,” she replied. 
Not believing her, the man started to search her body.

His hands moved everywhere, inside her blouse and up her skirt until he was satisfied she wasn’t hiding anything.

He was about to go when she said to him coyly,

 

 

“Go on, keep trying, I can always write you a cheque.” 

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment.

Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa. 

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on, you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.” 
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing. 

“I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.” But the case wouldn’t close. 
“This is no good,” remarked the wife. 
“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any better.” 
Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said, 
“Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that’ll work.” 

Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, 

 

“I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”