Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says "That’s not true . . . sometimes I want a kebab"

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

The Japanese government thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out after the tsunami.
They said they were delicious!

 

your ineptness...

 

 

 

A man and a parrot find themselves sitting next to each other on a plane. As the stewardess comes along, the man asks for a coffee, at which point the parrot shouts, "Get me a brandy and be quick about it!"

A little upset by his attitude, the stewardess goes off and returns with the brandy but not the coffee.

"Excuse me, Miss, you've forgotten my coffee," he tells her.

"Oh, sorry," she replies, and is just about to go when the parrot shouts even louder, "And get me another brandy, you incompetent cow!"

This time she's very upset but returns quickly with the brandy, having forgotten once again to get the man's coffee. "Maybe if I take the same attitude as this parrot, I might get results," he thinks to himself.

"Hey, coffee, and be quick about it, you dozy b^tch!" he shouts.

In no time at all the stewardess returns with two male colleagues who drag both the man and the parrot from their seats and throw them out of the emergency hatch. As the man passes the parrot on the way down, the bird turns to him and says,

 

"You know, you've got a real attitude problem for someone who can't fly."

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.
 

"That bloody bull's going to the knacker's yard!" yelled the farmer.

"It's nearly killed me two times."

"Oh, give him one more chance for luck," replied his wife.
 

The head of the Company would just like to say in defence of the sexual harassment charges against him, that his secretary must have been slightly deaf.

What he actually said to her was, "Hold my calls and sack my cook."
 

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns.

"Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do?"

"I would lift up my habit," she replied.

"Goodness me, and then what would you do?"

"I would tell him to drop his pants."

"Oh, Lord save us," gaped the Mother Superior, "and then what?"

"I would run away as fast as I could, and I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down."
 

My next door neighbor told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before. I think he's slowly losing the plot...

3 minutes ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

My next door neighbor told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before. I think he's slowly losing the plot...

Maybe "allotment" is a euphemism for a part of his anatomy?

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...
"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

Prevent crashing in a light aircraft by only travelling in dark ones.

I once shared a London taxi with a group of spotty youths.

Think it was an acne carriage.

I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.

Two Scousers are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a ride.
He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.
The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs."
The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer.
She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it.
She calls for immediate backup and an armed response team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped an artic with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle!"

I was playing a trumpet outside Big C earlier when an elderly lady approached me and said, "That's excellent, especially with no music sheet, do you always play by ear ?"
"No," I said, "I'll be outside Tesco tomorrow."

Best song ever..

 

 

Dating for s@x

 

 

 

Driving Lesson..