The young man had been brought up in the city. He'd never seen the countryside or come across any farm animals. It so happened that one weekend he was invited to go camping with some friends.

He set off early in his car and arranged to meet them at the farmer's field.

Alas, just half a mile from his destination, a goat ran out into the road and he ran over it, killing it stone dead. Overcome with shock, he finished his journey and sought out the old farmer.

"I've just run over something, back there down the lane," he said pointing.

"But I'm not sure what it was."

The farmer asked him to describe it.

"Well, it had two t*ts and a beard and it smelt dreadful."

"Oh no," wailed the farmer, "you've just killed my wife."
 

Two busybodies were walking through the park slagging everyone off when one says to the other, "Look at her from number 16, breastfeeding in public again!"

"My my, that boy's 18 if he's a day, and he's not even her son."
 

"Grandpa, have you still got your own football?" asked his young grandson.

Puzzled, Grandpa replied, "No, Billy, I don't play football any more. Why do you ask?"

"Because I heard Dad say that when you kicked it, we'd all be able to afford a good holiday."

 

The hillbilly couple are out at the drive-in movie, drinking beer and doing a bit of serious necking.

"Say, Mary-Jo," drawls the boy. "What yew say we get in the back of mah pick-up truck an' have us some real fun?"

"Why Billy-Bob!" exclaims the girl, "how could yew suggest such a thing? An' with mah parents in the pick-up truck next to ours!"

"They're mah parents too!" retorts the boy.
 

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

Along with:

"Three visually impaired, vertically challenged rodents".

"Mary once shared her life with a pre-grown ovine animal, whose colour was irrelevant".

and "There was an elderly female gendered person who, for reasons unknown to myself, consumed a flying member of the insecta class, and so was rightly thrown out of her Vegan group".

 

 

5 hours ago, roo860 said:

Skipe Milligna  - that well known speelling mistook ....and my hero along with the rest of The Goons...may they JIP   (Jest in Peace)

5 minutes ago, ravip said:

Where did you poach that one from?

Or did you scramble to shell out for it?  ????

11 hours ago, VBF said:

Where did you poach that one from?

Or did you scramble to shell out for it?  ????

He was just egged on to boiling point to tell us his yoke.

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve breakfast here".

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. ‟All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, ‟But what’s the dollar for?”
‟Well,” she said, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

 

He said, ’Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I just don’t buy toilet paper there anymore!

My mate suggested we went to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well I’m game if he is!