A man comes home from work one day to find a rat getting it’s end away with a cat in the garden. The next evening he returns home to find the rat doing the same thing to a bull terrier. Unable to believe his eyes, he captures and takes the rat into the house to show his wife, but as soon as she sees it she screams,

"Aarghh, get that sex maniac out of here!"
 

This man loved his pet ferret so much he never went anywhere without it. One night he went to the cinema but was told that ferrets were not allowed in.

Unperturbed, he went round the corner and stuffed the ferret down his trousers, then bought his ticket and sat down to enjoy the film. However after half an hour the ferret became very restless, so the man opened his flies to give the animal some air. Two girls were sitting next to him and suddenly one turned to the other and whispered urgently, "Tracy, that man next to me has got his, you know, his thingy out!"

"Never mind, just ignore it," replied her friend.

 

"I can't," she gasped, "it's nibbling my popcorn."

Obviously feeding your ex to bear is likely illegal, so this is the next best thing:

 

How DARE YOU honk at me?!

 

10 minutes ago, tomazbodner said:

Obviously feeding your ex to bear is likely illegal

So is strangling her with your bear hands ...

... unless there's a get out clause.

Two down-and-out alcoholics had completely run out of booze money. One of them came up with a great idea. They just had a few pence left, enough to buy a sausage, which Bert shoved in Dick's flies.

"OK, Dick, now watch this." The two men went into a bar, ordered drinks which they soon polished off, and when the barman asked for the money, Bert got down on to the floor and started sucking the sausage.

"Why, you disgusting beggers!" shouted the barman, "Get out of here or I'll have the law on to you."

All day they repeated the trick and drank until they were sozzled.

"You know, Dick, my knees are bloody sore from kneeling on the floor so often."

"That's nothing," replied Bert.

 

"I lost the sausage after the second pub."
 

Jack went down to the job centre and as he was scanning situations vacant, he spotted a card asking for a set assistant for a film company. The successful candidate would need to have a steady hand to be a bikini line shaver on the latest series of an English version of Baywatch. Drooling at the very thought, he took the card over to the desk and told the employment officer he was interested in the job.

"Very well," she replied, not batting an eyelid. "You'll need to go to the service station, two miles out of town."

"Really? Is that where they're interviewing?"

"No, that's where the end of the queue is," she replied.
 

A duke and duchess were not getting on very well; in fact, the duchess believed her husband to be having an affair with the housemaid, so she decided to test her theory.

The duchess sent the housemaid away for the night and, when her husband made an excuse to leave his bed, she rushed down the back stairs and got into her housemaid's bed.

Lo and behold, the dor opened and the next thing she knew she was subjected to some sordid sex.  When it was all over she turned the lights on.

"You didn't expect to find me here, did you?" said the duchess not looking up.

 

"Indeed not, madam," replied the butler.
 

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo...

When I tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

11 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

How DARE YOU honk at me?!

 

Where does he think he is?  The Suez Canal?

Just now, ballpoint said:

What's wrong with jugglers? Well what do you expect in a theatre? Doctors!

1 minute ago, ballpoint said:

Shocking output!

8 minutes ago, fangless said:

Shocking output!

Watts the problem? He should put a plug in it before they socket to him and leave him in a world of Hertz.

7 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Watts the problem? He should put a plug in it before they socket to him and leave him in a world of Hertz.

Lots of current jokes around today. 

13 minutes ago, fangless said:

Lots of current jokes around today. 

I'm sorry to be negative, but I can't remain static at my computer all day.  Got to charge off and fix the shock absorbers on my wife's VoltsWagon, or I'll be met with resistance when I ask her for my lunch.  She's even threatening to lock me in my own ohm if I don't do it.  Hopefully it's just a phase she's going through, or I'll be grounded.

I really like English humour, but sometimes it's difficult to get the joke.

 

Please consider using langauage that's easily understood by all forum members..

 

 

Brokeback Mountain - Aussie Style