A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink.   As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.  

 She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”   
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.  My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley.  I’ve been riding a Harley ever since.  So yes, I guess I am a real biker.”   

She said, “I’m a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”   Then she got up and left.  

 The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?”  

 

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.!
 

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.

No tern was left unstoned.

My wife can do a far better West Midlands accent than me which goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male...

Three pregnant mothers are in the waiting room. One announces:
"I read in a magazine that I'm probably having a boy; he was on top"
"Ah!" - says another - "Girl for me; I read the same article and so I went on top."
The third begins crying,
"I don't want puppies!"

A man went to the hospital with a golf ball jammed up his nose.

Th Doctor took a look and said it had gone up a fairway.

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : " Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "And the third reason is that I am better at sex than you"

Woman (furious): "Did my husband say that too?"

Maid : "No, the gardener did."

Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie.

Before becoming famous Bob Dylan and Eric Clapton were parcel delivery drivers in the Welsh valleys.
That's the origin of the song "knock knock knockin' on Evan's door"

19 out of 27 school leavers are unable to calculate basic mathematical percentages,
That's nearly...um...

25 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A man went to the hospital with a golf ball jammed up his nose.

Th Doctor took a look and said it had gone up a fairway.

 

That's one way to get a bogie.

 

I guess this is wheelchair racing track?

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog.

The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart.

With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had?

 I told her it was my service dog.

Then she got real snarky and said, "I knew that. What type of service?"

I said he was a BLD.

By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly.

She said, "what is a BLD?"

I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.

She said "Butt Licking Dog?"

I said "yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders."

The cashier completely lost it. 

 

 

 

 

 

Since Noah seems to be flavour of the day

 

What did the Jewish lady say to the flasher?

"You call that a lining?"
 

The dog auditioned for a part in the new summer show. He told half a dozen jokes, using different accents, tap-danced and closed with a song.

"What d'you think?" the owner asked the agent.

"Well, I don't know," replied the agent, shaking his head.

 

"The delivery's good, but the material's very weak."
 

As John got undressed, ready for bed, his wife turned to him in alarm.

"John, why have you got that cork sticking out of your bum?"

"Oh no," groaned John, putting his head in his hands."If only I hadn't gone to the tip this morning," he continued. "While I was there, I spotted this bottle glinting in the sun. I rubbed off the mud to get a good look and a genie appeared. He said he'd grant me anything I wanted."

"Well, what did you say?" asked his wife impatiently.

 

"I said, 'No sh*t!' "
 

I’ve just taken part in the world blindfolded masturbation championships.

No idea where I came.

When I was young I was poor.

But now, after years of hard work and perseverance,

I'm no longer young.