Cinderella is now 95 years old.

 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Brian for  companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

 

The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 

“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”

 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

 

The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”

 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned... Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

 

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish, what shall it be?”

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Brian, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

 

Magically, Brian suddenly underwent a fundamental change, and he stood before her a man so handsome, likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 

The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”

 

With a blazing shock of dazzling blue lightning, the fairy godmother was gone.

 

For a few eerie moments, Brian and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 

Then Brian walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

 

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

“Bet you're sorry now that you had me castrated and neutered.”

12 hours ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft malleable metal with the atomic number 82.

I'm easily lead.

 

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

 

 

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is!
He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which
species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert!
He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

"I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!"
He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is"

Says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

-"you've got it on the B-side"

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you call for me?" The man, obviously embarrassed, replies, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here. Let me explain.It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me," she says. Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lays down on a towel eagerly, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.

He entered the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asks the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replies the old man.

"You must be new." answers the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you  pass wind, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, puts him over a bench and has his way with the old man.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist.

'May I help you?' she asks.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, dismayed, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't even had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 78 years old. I only get an erection once a week, but I  pass wind 15 times a day."

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers:

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
"Very good." Says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
"Excellent." Says the teacher
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
"I had Sod All." He says. 'S-O-D-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

"Johnny." She asks. "Where is the Mexican Border?"

Johnny ponders the question and finally says. "The Mexican border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Sod All for Breakfast!"

I had to go on a sexism awareness course at work.

The girl delivering it had great tits.

Are people born with a photographic memory, or does it take time to develop?

Balloons are so weird...
"Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

My mate's just been promoted at his job in the restaurant.
He's been waiting for ages

Be careful people, there are a lot of scams on the internet.
For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them

I've just seen a hammock for sale with 50% off!

I thought about buying it but even with that discount, I'm not that easily swayed...

 

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Are people born with a photographic memory, or does it take time to develop?

I see you are back into your negative mode. I think You need to be less shuttered and more focused before you can snap out of it.  

On 6/6/2021 at 7:42 PM, Khawphod said:

How it is with women..

I've been married too long, I clearly understood all of that. ☹️

Anyway--When do we go back to normal ?