Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says: "Ya know, I'd herd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

????????

5 hours ago, roo860 said:

Just hope it's shiny side out!

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her, so I raised my beer mug and said "here's to your bread"!

Do you think I just might have a little drinking problem?
 

"Daddy, Daddy!" cried little Tom, hysterically, "please come and look, my pussy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won't move."

Assuming the worst, Dad went into the garden to take a look.

"I'm sorry, son, I'm afraid Tiddles is dead."

Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat's feet were sticking up in the air.

Quick as a flash, Dad replied, "That's so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven."

A few days later, Dad comes home from work to find Tom crying in the garden.

"What's happened, Tom?" he asked.

"It's Mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!"

"How can that be?" asked Dad, aghast.

"I went into the summer house and Mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting, God, 'I'm coming, Sweet Jesus I'm coming'. Oh,  Daddy, if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, Jesus would have taken her up to heaven!"

A little boy ran into his mother's room crying hysterically.

"I don't want my willy any more," he wept to her, "willies must be bad!"

"Don't be silly, darling," she replied. "Of course willies aren't bad. Why do you say that?"

 

"Because I've just seen Daddy in the bathroom and he's trying to pull his off."
 

Did you hear about the cowboy who arrived in town wearing a paper shirt, paper trousers a paper hat and paper boots?

The sheriff arrested him for rustling.
 

Snow White was asked to leave Fairyland last week.

She was found sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, "Tell a lie, tell the truth, tell a lie, tell the truth..."
 

 

 

Never buy flowers from a monk.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

"Doctor, can you hurry up and help me, I'm shrinking!”

"Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient...”