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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

How can you tell when a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.
 

I was attending a sewing bee and “Bolero” came on.

Around 8 minutes later, everything started to un-Ravel.
 

Why don’t chemists like puns?

All the best ones argon.
 

Upon his coronation, a tribal king decided he wanted to upgrade his woven-grass-and-wood home. So, he commissioned the best weavers in the village to build him a two-story home.
 
Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, the King ordered the workers to bring the throne upstairs, and then weave him a nice, big bed on the first floor.

A few more weeks later, the King finally moved in. On the first night, he and the Queen decided to test out the bed. Their testing got vigorous, and they shook the walls of the house, causing the heavy throne to plunge through the grass ceiling onto the bed, killing them both.

The moral of the story?

 

When you live in a grass house, don’t stow thrones.
 

A termite walks into the bar.

He sits down and asks “hey, bartender is the bartender?”
 

Understanding The Buddha’s Teachings

8 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Or maybe because they did!

I've just bought a new mouse mat.
That should stop them leaving footprints all over the kitchen

I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything
except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

A pompous member of the middle classes dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. St Peter scans the list and tells him that he is destined for the other place. The goodly man explodes with rage;

"You must have that wrong; I've been a model Christian all my life! I've kept all the Commandments, I go to church every Sunday and always put £20 in the collection! This is outrageous! I demand that you go to God and get him to rescind this ridiculous decision!

St Peter, a bit world-weary, agrees and goes off to find God.

On his return, the man asks "What did God say about this dreadful mistake?"

"You can have the money back.