Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs.
Just 5 minutes more.

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him.

Got hit by a rental car today.

Hertz.

Let that sink in!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.

'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

My friend had his ID stolen.

We just call him Dav now.

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian.

I just won this year's Scepticism Award.

I can't believe it.

My wife was trying on different things yesterday and asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy.

"Give them to your sister," I replied.

I was watching TV the other day while the wife was in the kitchen counting out the jar we keep baht coins in. All of a sudden she started effin' and blinding for no reason, then threw the jar against the wall and started crying.

I thought to myself, 'crikey, she must be going through the change!'

Somebody just broke into my apartment and stole every lamp, flashlight, and lightbulb. 
I’m so delighted.
 

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium,

but then I thought, “Na”.

Did you hear about the Army commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North/South Korean border? 
Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.
 

Did you hear about the introverts camping trip? 
A lot of people left because it was two in tents.
 

Did you hear about that Italian goalkeeper, Gianluigi, who allegedly left a restaurant without paying for his meal?

 

Done a runner?

 

No, I think it was Buffon...

Can't we just type the words "Thai Government" in here every day for the next 20 odd years?