I tried to take a selfie in the shower before but I wasn’t happy with it, cos it came out all blurry. 

I've got selfie steam issues.

My friend Dudley is consumed with lust and feels guilty about it so he asked me if it was one of the 7 Dudley sins!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little Plano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

 

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

 

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."

 

The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

 

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

African Roulette

The foreign minister of a small African state had the opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer. 

 

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. 

 

Said the Russian foreign minister;  "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

 

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot. 

 

Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

 

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room, on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.

 

Said the African foreign minister;  "To prove your courage and manhood, see before you, six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a B* ."

 

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved." 

 

The African smiles broadly. 

"One of the six is a cannibal." 

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Lock-down----Looking  for new Hobby

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But Dad!!